Satire

Thumbnail image for Bye Bye Bachmann: Reliving 10 of the Tea Party Darling’s Craziest Gaffes

Bye Bye Bachmann: Reliving 10 of the Tea Party Darling’s Craziest Gaffes

by Source 06.01.2013 Culture

By Janet Allon / Alternet

Minnesota far-right Republican Rep. Michelle Bachmann has declared she will not run for a fifth term in 2014, and is making the dubious claim that her decision has nothing to do with that ongoing ethics probe into her campaign fund-raising in the 2012 race, or her falling poll numbers. No, she is a newfound convert to term limits.

Right.

This is about as believable as some of the gaffes, misstatements, anti-science positions, conspiracy theories, not to mention wobbly grasp of both American history and world geography, she displayed on her ill-fated quest for the 2012 Republican nomination. She even managed to make Texas Governor Rick Perry look both sane and slightly enlightened.

Let’s relive some of the self-proclaimed Tea Party leaders more colorful, unforgettable gaffes, the first of which may be her assertion that she never made any gaffes.

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Thumbnail image for The Starting Line – Can You Say Congressman DeMaio? And Other Republican Wet Dreams

The Starting Line – Can You Say Congressman DeMaio? And Other Republican Wet Dreams

by Doug Porter 05.02.2013 Columns

By Doug Porter

I read the Daily Fishwrap(s) so you don’t have to… is the tag line for this daily column. Some days I think it might be more appropriate to say ‘because you wouldn’t want to’.

So hold on to your blood pressure cuffs because today, we’ll be exploring the land of the absurd as portrayed in various news outlets around the country…

Washington’s Roll Call reported yesterday on a GOP polling effort right here in San Diego County’s 52 Congressional District. It’s well known that incumbent Brian Bilbray’s defeat by Democrat Scott Peters was a bitter pill for Republicans to swallow.

And local GOP leaders have made it perfectly clear that they’ll be back in the game, mounting a serious effort to retake that seat in 2014.

The latest Republican polling effort involved testing voter reaction to ‘new generation Republican’ Carl DeMaio.

INSIDE: Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Mark Sanford, GOP Light Bulb Screwing, and the Plague of Student Bombers Who Dance Dirty

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Thumbnail image for Belly-whopping Off the Deep End

Belly-whopping Off the Deep End

by Source 04.15.2013 Government

By Norma Damashek

I know, I know, we’re only human.  We all make mistakes.  Everyone’s been known to lie or cheat or steal (only for a good reason, of course).  At times we’re devious or lazy.  Sometimes greedy.  Vindictive, too. 

Given our shortcomings, I ask  you this: is it fair to demand higher standards from our elected officials than we might impose on regular folk like you and me?  Here’s my answer: it’s more than fair; it’s self-evident common sense to hold out for brain-power and high ethical standards from politically-inspired individuals who climb into the public arena and vie for the prize of holding the public welfare in the palm of their hands.  

You look for professional standards and expertise from a dentist, don’t you? from your trainer at the gym? the butcher at Vons?  Does it make sense to accept anything less from your elected politicians who have the power to shape, improve, or make a mess of your daily lives and surroundings?

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Thumbnail image for Five Stages of Republican Grief (A Tribute to the U-T’s Steve Breen)

Five Stages of Republican Grief (A Tribute to the U-T’s Steve Breen)

by Annie Lane 04.10.2013 Culture

By Annie Lane
Last week I came across a Steve Breen cartoon in the San Diego Union-Tribune entitled “Mapping Bob Filner’s Brain” (see left). I had quite the guffaw. I mean, if guffaws were redefined to be humorless, silent events that’s what it was.

I find it interesting that, given Breen’s skill and Pulitzer Prize history, the brain he chose to draw was so boorishly simple. Don’t worry, I get it — it’s intended to represent the supposedly simple mind of our union-sympathizing, anti-hotelier mayor.

But it doesn’t matter what multi-syllabic, mildly offensive adjectives Breen uses to describe Bob Filner because, at the end of the day, he’s still the elected mayor of San Diego. You know, the guy who, like most Democrats in the 2012 election, fairly won against his Republican counterpart.

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Thumbnail image for The Smell of Freedom in the Air: Guns in America

The Smell of Freedom in the Air: Guns in America

by Source 04.01.2013 Culture

by Jerry Farber / The Daily Kos

Let’s be honest. Haven’t you just about had it with this latest round of hand-wringing about guns? I mean, look, why don’t we just concede the point right up front? Yes, if you want the kind of government that runs your life, that comes into your home and tells you how sharp your kitchen knives can be, well then, sure, I suppose life can be made a little safer. But what about freedom? Isn’t that pretty much supposed to be the name of the game in this country.

And aren’t we all just sick and tired of hearing how America should try to be more like some other country—like this country or that country? Now it’s all about gun violence. People throw these ridiculous figures at you. Supposedly, in England, the death rate from guns is forty times less than it is here. (So in those London pubs they just have to come at each other with broken bottles, right?) Oh, and Japan. Yes, let’s be just like Japan. In Japan, nobody ever dies at all (except, of course, when a nuclear plant blows up in their face). So what is this all about? What are these Japan-lovers and these England-lovers trying to sell us? What are they after? I’ll tell you what they’re after. One more freedom down the drain.

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Thumbnail image for Manchester Buys Baseball’s Padres, Changes Name

Manchester Buys Baseball’s Padres, Changes Name

by Jim Miller 04.01.2013 Satire

After having purchased and transformed the San Diego Union Tribune into America’s greatest newspaper in the Finest City in the World’s Best Darn Country, Doug Manchester is at it again. This time he has set his sights on the nation’s pastime and is aiming to put it back on the map for good by bringing an even more super American brand of baseball to the place where happy happens.
Change of course, is not just what will be left in your pocket after the Socialist in Chief leaves the White House, it’s the order of the day at Manchester Park, home of the San Diego Robber Barons. Swap out the statue of Tony Gwyn for one of the Lord Manchester himself and toss the swinging friar down the memory hole and replace him with that plucky little Carl DeMaio who will rove the stands passing out complementary reports on the inefficiency of local government and the scourge of pubic sector unionism.

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Thumbnail image for Mayor Filner Joins Forces with New York City Mayor Bloomberg

Mayor Filner Joins Forces with New York City Mayor Bloomberg

by John Lawrence 04.01.2013 Satire

San Diego and New York City mayors take aim at sugary soft drinks

In a speech yesterday at the Balboa Park Club, Mayor Bob Filner outlined his plans for combating the consumption of large quantities of sugary, fizzy soft drinks. After mentioning all the negative effects from their consumption such as obesity and Type 2 Diabetes, Filner said, “You know we live in America’s Finest City, and we can’t have America’s biggest lard asses walking around in America’s Finest City. Something must be done. Mayor Bloomberg and I are on the same page regarding this issue. So what I’m proposing is this: today I’m declaring that the entire City of San Diego is a Sugary Soft Drink District (SSDD). This will be a counterpoise and eventually take the place of the Tourism Marketing District (TMD) which has created so much controversy lately.

“And in consideration of that tax money which the TMD wants me to turn over to the hoteliers around here, I’ve come to a decision. Instead of turning over that money, I will put it to good use funding the SSDD. These monies will kickstart this project. We will put up ads on billboards and run TV commercials pointing out the negative effects of consuming sugary soft drinks. So not only will San Diego be America’s Finest City, but under my administration San Diego will become America’s Healthiest City.”

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Thumbnail image for Health Department Shutting Down Taco Tuesdays Citywide

Health Department Shutting Down Taco Tuesdays Citywide

by Judi Curry 04.01.2013 Satire

In a bold move, it has come to my attention that the Health Department will be shutting down all restaurants in the San Diego area that cater to “Taco Tuesday” feasts. In investigating this phenomena that has taken over eating Mexican food on Tuesdays, there have been many complaints from other ethnic restaurants that their sales are lagging because they are not participants and they cannot afford to employ their staff on Tuesdays. Therefore, with only a one day notice, all “Taco Tuesday” establishments will need to close tomorrow and every Tuesday thereafter.

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Thumbnail image for La Jolla: Harbor Seals Vacate the Children’s Pool

La Jolla: Harbor Seals Vacate the Children’s Pool

by Source 04.01.2013 Satire

Unfortunately There’s a Much Larger Problem Now

by Steve Burns

La Jolla residents, long upset over the harbor seal rookery at the Children’s Pool, woke up last Friday wondering if nature had finally solved the “problem.” To their amazement, not a single harbor seal was to be found, neither on the beach of the Children’s Pool, nor on Seal Rock just a few yards from the shore line.

Could it be the controversy had resolved itself? Could the Children’s Pool finally be returned to its rightful owners; the people of La Jolla?

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Thumbnail image for Spare Us from Our Good Boys

Spare Us from Our Good Boys

by Source 03.26.2013 Editor's Picks

By Norma Damashek

You’ve already read my take on bad boys.  Now it’s time to flip the coin and ponder San Diego’s good boys. 

Lately, good boys have been coming out of the woodwork.  You can spot them a mile away by their gee-whiz grins and GQ grooming.  Their toothy, soulful smiles can break your heart.  Of course they’re super-civil and never raise their voices in public.  You wouldn’t hesitate to bring these dewy-eyed boys home to meet your momma. 

Don’t do it!  What you see is NOT what you get from these two-dimensional paper dolls… Stepford wives in drag.  Who are these people, you ask?  

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Thumbnail image for Bad News Environmentally Elsewhere Is Good News for San Diego

Bad News Environmentally Elsewhere Is Good News for San Diego

by Frank Gormlie 03.14.2013 Business

Bad news for the environment in other locales can be good news for San Diego.

Today, two offerings by the media – one on how hot and dry the City of Phoenix is getting due to climate change, and the second about the loss of Monarch butterflies in Mexico – is good news for us.

In an Op-Ed piece in the Los Angeles Times, entitled “Phoenix Too Hot Future”, we learn:

In Phoenix, the convergence of heat, drought and violent winds is creating an ever-more-worrisome situation. … [High] temperatures, however, are child’s play in Phoenix, where readings commonly exceed 100 degrees for more than 100 days a year. In 2011, the city set a record for days over 110. There were 33 of them. … It goes without saying that Phoenix’s desert setting is hot by nature, but humans have made it hotter. The city is a masonry world, with asphalt and concrete everywhere. The hard, heavy materials absorb daytime heat more efficiently than the naked land, and then give it back more slowly after the sun goes down, preventing the cool of the desert night from providing much relief.

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Thumbnail image for Dying for Free

Dying for Free

by Source 03.03.2013 Books & Poetry

Dying for free

In the familiar comfort of your home, with your own family,

No No No cost of doctors and hospital fees,

No strangers, no logistics, no legal-ease,

Just old age, if you please, natural as can be,

Just dying for free.

“My body is old, and you can’t fix me, so just let me be, with my old tv…

Just dying for free.”

More inside….

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Thumbnail image for Ritual Dishonesty – How freakin’ formulaic our encounters have become…

Ritual Dishonesty – How freakin’ formulaic our encounters have become…

by Source 02.19.2013 Culture

By Bob Dorn

The other day, while I was cruising the pants section of one of my off-fashionable thrift shops, something within me caused me to notice one of those inevitable and pointless engagements between two putative human beings.

“Hi, howsa goin’. ” The cashier was greeting a guy about her age, unsmilingly.

“Hi, howsit goin’, he said, riffing a bit on the theme, also without affect.

Neither one of them changed their expressions and nothing more was said. It was clear they were goin’ nowhere, at least not with each other.

Now, if he’d have said, “Good,” he might have opened up their meeting for her to take another step, like, say, “Sure is a nice day out there.” But I suspect he wasn’t going to go there; how it was goin’ for him was none of her business, really. Nor did he have any real interest in hearing how it was goin’ for her, even if he did re-launch that question, “Hi, howsit goin’.” Those were two calculated dead-ends. A simple nod might have been more friendly.

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Thumbnail image for Getting away with murder

Getting away with murder

by Source 02.11.2013 Columns

New Series: What you always wanted to know…

Dear NumbersRunnner,

This question has been on my mind for a long time but it’s one I’ve been afraid to ask: How come so many San Diegans get away with murder?

Yours truly,

Timid Questioner

Dear TQ,

Murder is a serious allegation.  If you’ll settle for the lesser charge of white-collar crime (the FBI says it means “lying, cheating, and stealing…the full range of frauds committed by business and government professionals…”), you need only take a look at some of Don Bauder’s investigative stories about our hometown white-collar crooks.

But yes, when it comes to San Diego miscreants of a political persuasion these guys really DO get away with murder – both the metaphorical and bloody types.

Consider the case histories of two recently-departed politicians — ex-mayor Jerry Sanders and ex-councilmember Tony Young. 

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Thumbnail image for New Schools CFO: SD Unified Will Afford Armed Guards, School Prayer with Pocket Change

New Schools CFO: SD Unified Will Afford Armed Guards, School Prayer with Pocket Change

by Source 02.05.2013 Editor's Picks

By Aaryn Belfer

“Poor guy, he doesn’t realize that being frank and open about our financial condition is discouraged around here. He will be taken to the wood shed.”
–Text message from San Diego Unified School District board member, Scott Barnett, predicting the fate of the new chief financial officer Stan Dobbs.

Only one weekend after “investigative journalist” Will Carless published his sycophantic Q&A with Stan “Data” Dobbs, school Superintendant Bill Kowba did damage control, issuing a relatively meek apology for Dobbs’ many erroneous statements. Data Dobbs was then quietly whisked away and fed into a wood chipper. Keeping with its pattern for sticking any warm body in the CFO position, San Diego Unified vetted and hired Dobbs’ replacement even before the blowhard’s left leg had been turned into mulch.

What follows is an exclusive interview with San Diego Unified’s newest Chief Financial Officer, Sarah Palin.

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Thumbnail image for Entreaty to Politico Spouses

Entreaty to Politico Spouses

by Source 01.15.2013 Books & Poetry

By Mic Porte

Please, please let your politico spouse

Do some decoration at the house!

Choose the new towels or buy kitchen tiles

Instead of re-development contractor files….

more inside…

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Thumbnail image for Be of good cheer — are you nuts?

Be of good cheer — are you nuts?

by Source 12.11.2012 Culture

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

For some years, I’ve collected quips from folks who spurn “the holidays.” Their reasons vary. For some it’s an idiopathic condition, a chronic case of hostility or melancholy. For others, it’s situational, a recent loss, a yucky family member foisting him- or herself into the otherwise peaceful nativity scene, or the like. These quotable Grinches produced, among many others, the following tidbits of holiday cheer — but first, a note: Read no further if foul language gives you the vapors.

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Thumbnail image for Obama and Romney do lunch!

Obama and Romney do lunch!

by Source 12.04.2012 Columns

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

Recently re-elected President Barack Obama and failed GOP presidential candidate Gov. Mitt Romney had lunch last Thursday, and what fun it is to imagine their conversation. Perhaps it went something like this. …

President Obama entered the dining room and assessed the image of the conquered man. Gov. Romney’s discomfort was painfully obvious in his rapid blinking and the puckered face he gets whenever he has to admit to a screw-up. With a surge of sympathy, Obama glided across a carpet of triumphant confidence to warmly greet the poor guy with a firm hand and a manly half-hug.

“Hey, Governor, welcome to the White House.”

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Thumbnail image for Post-Election Thoughts … What if the Blue States seceded from the Red States?

Post-Election Thoughts … What if the Blue States seceded from the Red States?

by Jack Hamlin 11.16.2012 Politics

The election is over and the dust really has finally settled. By the way my candidate lost, but it isn’t easy being Green. The 47% and then some spoke up and now, maybe, just maybe, WE can get to work and do the good things we do well, fix the good things we use to do well, and set aside the bad stuff which has been gnawing at our insides for so long.

WE proved the Koch Brothers, et al. could not buy an election, and Karl Rove is as superfluous as a dead rat on the floor just waiting to be swept up and thrown out with the garbage. WE, with the help of Donald Trump and Ted Nugent, proved that just because you have money and a forum, does not preclude you from being as crazy as a three-dicked goat. WE proved that even FOX News has to concede something to the other side every once and while.

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Thumbnail image for The Fable of Brian Brown or the Great Marriage Non Sequitur

The Fable of Brian Brown or the Great Marriage Non Sequitur

by Source 11.13.2012 Culture

(Note, 11 Nov 2012: On November 7, the nation’s evolving attitude toward same-sex marriage was demonstrated at the polls in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota and Washington, where voters supported the right to marry. And the reaction from Brian Brown, Executive Director of the National Organization for Marriage? We are not defeated. We are not defeated. We are not–. … And, so, my thanks to Brian for providing much of the dialogue and a significant amount of the narrative for the following fable, from the last four year’s of NOM emails, media releases and website content.)

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Thumbnail image for Republican Candidates Possessed by Demons

Republican Candidates Possessed by Demons

by Source 11.06.2012 Culture

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

A whimsical poll report last Tuesday by Public Policy Polling (PPP) has turned into a stunning revelation that is sweeping the nation: Republican candidates are possessed by demons. And according to some experts, that belief “explains it all” for distraught voters.

.

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Thumbnail image for What Retired People Do to Make Their Days Interesting :)

What Retired People Do to Make Their Days Interesting :)

by Staff 10.28.2012 Satire

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said,
‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

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Thumbnail image for Translating Mitt Romney

Translating Mitt Romney

by Source 10.23.2012 Editor's Picks

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

16 October 2012 Presidential Debate excerpt:

Candy Crowley, Moderator: Governor Romney, pay equity for women?

Gov. Mitt Romney: Thank you. An important topic, and one which I learned a great deal about, particularly as I was serving as governor of my state, because I had the chance to pull together a cabinet and all the applicants seemed to be men. And I, and I went to my staff, and I said, “How come all the people for these jobs are, are all men.”

They said, “Well, these are the people that have the qualifications.”

And I said, “Well, gosh, can’t we, can’t we find some, some women that are also qualified?” And, and so we, we took a concerted effort to go out and find women who had backgrounds that could be qualified to become members of our cabinet. I went to a number of women’s groups and said, “Can you help us find folks?” and they brought us whole binders full of women.

Translation:

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Thumbnail image for Videos: Mitt Romney Debates Himself

Videos: Mitt Romney Debates Himself

by Source 10.13.2012 Politics

The one thing that unites all these clips is that Romney appears equally passionate about his convictions in all of them. The problem is that he’s saying the exact opposite things. Apparently, the only thing he really cares about getting what he wants, and he’ll say whatever he thinks it will take to get it. And with his track record of dishonesty, voters shouldn’t believe a word of it.

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Thumbnail image for Get Out the Vote with Sarah Silverman and Samuel L Jackson: Nana, Guns and a Wake Up Call

Get Out the Vote with Sarah Silverman and Samuel L Jackson: Nana, Guns and a Wake Up Call

by Anna Daniels 09.28.2012 Activism

WARNING: The following videos are not safe for the work place.

The past few weeks have provided a gold mine of incisive, laugh out loud political analysis of the election season. SNL has taken on the war against women, undecided voters, and Ann Romney, and we are left looking forward to so much more.

Sarah Silverman’s Let My People Vote and Samuel L Jackson’s Wake the F**k Up are political satire with an unequivocal message …

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