Sex In San Diego: The Failure of Dating Websites

Judi and Bob circa 2008.

As I contemplate the composition of this article, I am struck by a couple of things: One, as of Sept. 21 I have been a widow for three years. Time goes by fast, even if you are not having fun.  Secondly, I joined my first dating service in January.

During that time I have met a total of 12 men, even though I contacted over 200. (That’s the truth. I have all of their names on a grid so that I didn’t contact them more than once.)  For the most part, those I met were nice enough, but the spark I was looking for never materialized and, even though I renewed my subscriptions to three sites, I will not do so when they expire at the end of the month.

The interesting thing about these sites is the correspondence I received. Some of the men sounded identical to others. It reminded me of when I was in college and one could buy a term paper and make a few minor changes and then turn it in for your own credit. After all, how many people do you know that call you “sweetie,” “sweetheart,” “gorgeous” and the like.

I thought maybe some of you might be interested reading some of the mail I received. I only wish I had started saving the letters earlier.  I would like to say that I have changed the names to protect the “innocent,” even though these men don’t need to be protected — and they certainly aren’t innocent.

Note:  The letters are verbatim; I made no changes. To avoid any liability, I have decided not to reveal which dating websites I have been using.  Bolded sentences at the end of the letter are my comments to you, the reader.

No. 1:  If you check my profile you’ll Understand that I’m not just looking for any woman, Because i see them almost every second of my life. But It’s will be so wrong of me if i didn’t say “HELLO” Because there’s always a say that goes like this. Say me HI when you see thy BEAUTY, You’re a beautiful woman, You still got me thinking what someone of your type doing on singles dating. I bet the same question goes to me, FUNNY HUN. Pardon my manners, I’m XXXX. I’m single and ready to meet someone and see what God have for me in stock. take your time and check out my profile and if i match what you seek in a man, Then Please don’t wait another second because we might never know. I’m not a p a y i n g m e m b e r yet so won’t be able to reply back any of your m e s s a g e s on this s i t e or your c h a t, So I’m going to let you have my personal m a i l so you can write me after checking my profile and you want to talk more. I’m sorry i have to say this AGAIN, You’re such a BEAUTY, I would love to get to know you more better, I’m interested!!! “SMILE” if you’re interested in happiness,

I wasn’t interested.

No. 2:   Hello ,
I’m new in this site,I’ve just gone through your profile and am really interested in you. What I am seeking for? a serious relationship filled with love, care and honesty.Someone we will never regret giving out our best out to each other, someone that we would both appreciate our high moral standards and respect ourselves the way we deserve.I think a good relationship has to have a strong foundation and to me that foundation is friendship.I think Love can befall on us in a lot of different and magical ways..i would be pleased if i can get to know you more and better,

I didn’t want to get to know him more and better.

No. 3:  is there a way you can send private pictures on here to someone

Any question about what those pictures might be?

No. 4:  Sweetheart, I am trying but I can’t figure it out just yet. I am 6ft., average weight, blue eyes, attractive, loving and very affectionate, retired and financially secure.

I’m trying to figure it out, too!

No. 5:  Hello Gorgeous!
My name is XXXX and I am a male 59 years old and I can relocate to anywhere my date is , so miles is not a problem for  me……..I am a contractor I do Building construction and development of Rural areas and due to this reason I travel a lot I  have been lonely since after I lost a long lasted relationship with my wife who died in a car accident 6 years ago she was a part of my life she was all I got and all I wanted to make my life worth living, I am looking for a lady that can shower me with so much Love and care, I am also looking for long time relationship (Lifetime relationship something really serious) on this
dating website and we can start up things from there.I have been married for 23 years and I have been a widow for 6 years I just wish there was never a time I had to lost anyone in my life because right now my parent are also gone and all I got now is son 18 years old and they are also in support of my search for a woman of my dream, tell me a little about yourself? am a single dad who looks for trust,love, romance, a faithful person, a passionate person, a honest person, a caring person god fearing , humble ,understanding , open minded, trustworthy and i do care about others feelings and and am seeking for
someone that is loving . passionate , god fearing , trustworthy , open minded , and someone that’s willing to be loved and love in return, a soul mate, a best friend, some one to grow old with and some one that will be all mine forever and someone that i  can make happy always and she will do same to me and when I saw your profile i look into your eyes and i see something special and my heart just shook to feel warm inside all I had to do was take on look and then I decided I send u a message and  I would appreciate it a lot if you get back to me if you think you are looking for the same thing and you u think you can be that one special woman then u can add me on my) or email me on my personal email which is … we can chat and get to know each other very well and also decided on when to meet and to  what i believe age is only a number and if u cant view my pic u when u email me then i will reply with some more pics of me Will be looking forward to hear from you……Thanks

What can I say? The teacher in me resisted the urge to correct this and send it back.

No. 6:  Hi there,

I was curious to ask if you would ever considering mentoring someone like me? I am seeking a firm, but caring woman as a more disciplinarian figure in my life, one to help me in life and reaching goals etc I have set. I am NOT seeking sex or a relationship, but rather a dynamic where rules are set and you help me reach them. Ideally a woman not afraid to give a firm spanking from time to time as needed. I want a liberal- open minded woman who knows old fashion manners and how to instill them.

Would you ever consider anything like this? lets chat.



I didn’t know whether to laugh — or throw up!

No. 7:  I am me! Lonely and in need of a friend and more. I am married and hope to find someone who finds needs in their life that aren’t being fulfilled and wants to work towards fulfillment over the internet. I do not wish to have face to face contact, at least until circumstances change, as that would cause problems

I wondered about that pesky “face to face contact.”

No. 8:  you are an exquisite woman.  And old enough to be your mother’s mother! well i wouldnt mind that, would you? And…you are too far away.  well i still think you are a gorgeous sexy woman.

He was 26!

No. 9:   “Well-Educated and Travelled Gentleman In Search of Independently Wealthy Lady For Long-     Term Relationship or Marriage”

The “independently wealthy lady” part knocked me out of the running.

No. 10:  Good morning , and i hope you had a lovely night rest and i was thinking about you and i hope you are doing ok and great , i am happy to wake up and write you this message to let yo know that i care and think of you most times , so are you starting your day with so much smiles on your face and i wish to talk much more to you dear , i did terminate my account on the dating site because i am a one woman’s man and i don’t want to talk to any body and focus on my relationship with you , i don’t know when last you went to the site but i let because of i am talking to you ……..Have a lovely day ahead and know that I cares

How many smiles on my face can I possibly have?

No. 11:   Hi pretty how are you doing , just thinking about you now and hope to have a chat but i will only be talking to you here and probably an IM if you have a chat im like yahoo ..

Fortunately, I do not have IM set up on Yahoo. 

No. 12:   Judi ,sweet dreams to you sweetie and i will look towards reading from you when you wake up in the morning , i will be thinking of you , well i was thinking of have a serious and committed relationship and i don’t want you to be on the site any more , is that ok with you , or you don’t buy the idea

I didn’t buy the idea.

No. 13:   Hey, take a second to leave a message, even if you’re just passing by! I’d really like to hear from you and well, ya just never know XXXX is one of many social media and “real-world” venues where I find friends, which is primarily why I have a profile here. It’s been surprisingly good for this purpose. As it turns out, a lot of people are on here to make connections with those who can enrich their lives.Two predictions: First, if we message/talk/meet more than a few times, we’ll probably connect at some interpersonal level and end up friends or “keep-in-touch” acquaintances. Second, you’ll probably end up just as good friends with my wife. (Okay, probably better.) Looking back, you’ll see this had very little to do with any similarities or differences in our ages, orientations, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. Sooner or later you will read that one profile that makes you think, “I have got to get off of XXXX for a while and go do something else.” Odds are it will be this profile.  I am the male half of a dedicated, committed and loving couple. We have been together forever. With our children grown and on their own, my wife and I are enjoying the next chapter of our life. Though I have a few degrees, I believe that informal education and life experience are very authentic and effective ways to find out how life works, live life, enjoy life and develop into interesting, knowledgeable, talented individuals who are fascinating to know. I learn as much from, and enjoy interacting with, one person as much as the next. Sorry if I don’t respond when I seem to be online. It doesn’t help that I always leave all kinds of windows and apps open on various devices. I know. It’s like someone ransacking a dresser for a matched pair of socks then flying out the door.

In all fairness to this person, I did not respond to his message. I wasn’t even tempted to do so, but the one thing that I have for and not finding is an honesty from the other members. That being said, I believe that this man is one of the more honest men on any of the sites I have visited.  

No. 14:  I’m a married guy in a sexless relationship, but I’m not changing my martial situation. I’m looking for a woman for a “girlfriend on the side”. Dating, local attractions (zoo, kayaking, hiking, picnics), dancing partner, weekend getaways, and intimacy.

Aren’t these “girlfriends on the side” called mistresses?

No. 15:  How are you doing today? thanks so much for taking your time to write to me i really appreciate a lot, Wow you have a prolific smile and you don’t look your age even though age is just a number i will really love to get to know more about you, I’m new to this online stuffs and using my three days trial which might end anytime soon, so i will leave my personal email address at the end of this note and i hope you can get back to me through that and tell me more about yourself and i promise to do the same in return, my personal email address is: i will be patiently waiting to read from you, have a lovely day ahead and keep smiling.

It is my “prolific” smile that kept me from writing to him. I’m still smiling and he is still waiting.

No. 16: Hello there-
I am a shy, yet passionate male- I am here to make new friends and share and communicate on life. I am attached and in open marriage- please respect that. I am available to make friends, and for sex with the right woman. Otherwise seeking activity partners to exercise with, discuss life, or just walk the beach or at a park.
***Have not posted pictures of myself by request of my partner-yet am willing to email some to the right woman if there is a match or mutual interest.***

I think the moons are out of alignment.

Me again: I have not included those letters that tell me what some men would like to do to me when we are alone in bed. As titillating as they might be, it does not serve any purpose. What I am trying to point out is the futility of being an older woman seeking a male companion. Maybe it’s not just an “older woman;” maybe it is all women. I can’t help but feel that this is a very sad commentary on our social scale today. Some of the males I have met online tell me that they receive the same kind of letters from females.

I have to be honest and say that a typo in any letter immediately turns me off; grammar mistakes make me cringe.  No. 13 and 14 seem intelligent, but I am not interested in their message. So what do you call these other men? Perverts? No, I don’t think that is necessarily the case. Lonely? Yes.

In my book they are also“losers” — a harsh word when I do not even know them, but I do not see any saving grace and, quite frankly, they scare me. Maybe they are predators waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting female that is craving love – or something similar. I can only wonder if the letters I receive are any indication of the female letter writers also.  If so, besides suggesting they all go back to school to learn to write, we are in a terrible situation. And for the first time in a long time, I do not have any answers.


Judi Curry

High school dropout who decided to show the educational community what learning is all about. If it's the status quo something's wrong with it and I'll scratch the itch!

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  1. avatarJoe says

    One of the things that strikes me about these letters is that they don’t reference the details in your profile other than your looks. You are a writer. I would think that would inspire a question or two.

    For myself, my first message is just a “hi”. If I get a response I can assume, although that’s sometimes a false assumption, that the woman in question has looked at my profile and there is at least some interest too.

    Good luck.


    • avatarjudi says

      Hi Joe, I am also amazed that I get so many “hits” from men (boys?) that are in their 20’s, 30’s, etc.) And….some of them are sooooooooooo far away – like Korea, Croatia, let alone those in Iowa, Ohio, etc.

  2. avatarMister Groucho says

    Hi Judy,
    Given that you are appropriately “picky”, would your former partner have passed your requirements?
    I feel that these dating sites and technologies are just tools to get to the first “coffee” date.

  3. avatarCandy says

    Dear Judi:
    All I can say is Wow. This is scary. Thanks for sharing. You’re always so interesting & such a great writer.

  4. avatarjudi says

    Many years ago I had a wonderful friend that had a daughter – and son – about the same age as my youngest daughter. I have kept in touch with the daughter, even though my friend passed away several years ago. I had no idea that she was also “internet” dating, but today she sent me an email outlining some of the experiences she had that I think are worthy of posting here. I asked her for her permission – which she readily gave – and I said I would keep her name off this site. She has moved to the State of Washington area, and her dating experiences took place up there. I will make a comment at the end of her comment because I think it is important for people to be aware of this.

    Oh Honey,
    We need to talk… I had the same issues for 2 years trying internet dating. I laughed so hard and felt I could match you with ridiculous letters.

    I found that most of the responses with bad grammar were men from Nigeria trying to do romance scams. How did I figure that out? I fell for one. He took a picture off a modeling site, cut and pasted romantic letters off the internet and worked really hard to get me to send him a laptop and money. I got off lucky. The FBI was not really helpful and the sites do not do any screening for these predators.

    A fair number of the ones with bad English – actually were in jail. Yep, they get internet access.

    Unfortunately, I met one guy in Portland for dinner and a date (we had talked by internet and the phone for 2 months). Parked my car in a lot, got in the car to go to the restaurant and 2 hours later ended up at his apartment somewhere south of Portland. He had some really weird “sex” machines and all kinds of “toys”. One date rape later, and a very difficult lesson learned, I felt lucky to get out with my life and get back to my kids.

    Then there was the hunk construction worker to moved in (without being asked) and told me he’d been on unemployment for a “few months”. Well, some anger management issues later, the truth being 2 years unemployed, and some strong threats to involve the police, I kicked his sorry butt out! Great sex for a while though

    I felt that they wrote the movie “Must Love Dogs” after my dating experience!!

    So that’s why I joined a dating service. Lots of profiles the exact same as the internet, but at least they screened them financially and for police records . Everyone was video tapped so I could look at body language or strange ticks. I could view all of that at home or in the privacy of my home. There were group “activities” which significantly reduced the groping or expectation that if they bought dinner they bought whoopee.

    That’s where I met my now husband. It only happened after I got very, very clear on what I wanted on all levels. I wrote it all out, over and over, editing and re-editing until it resonated within me. Is he perfect? Nope. Am I, Nope.

    You had a very special and rare marriage to Bob. You broke him in and he fit you like your favorite comfortable robe. It takes a special man to have a terrific relationship with us strong, bossy, smart, funny and vocal women! It’s really hard to expect that someone new coming into your life will meet that expectation. The main decision that I had to make was whether it was worth the journey. Was there enough there to spend the time? Was it different from the ones that didn’t work out?

    Judi’s Note: In my article I mentioned that many of the letters all sounded the same. It never dawned on me that I might be getting letters from prisoners all sending the same letter. One man, when I asked where he lived, told me in the middle of downtown. Well…the middle of San Diego downtown is the jail. After refusing to give him my email address I never heard from him again. I think my friend’s daughter may be right. Beware if you are going to meet one of the respondents. My daughter keeps telling me to meet at in a very public place. She is so right. This time.

  5. avatarOB Mercy says

    Bla, bla, bla. And I only say that Judi because I know what you’re going through.

    As I had mentioned in earlier articles you wrote on this subject…same B.S. different dating site. All those letters are exactly like the ones I received. And remember, I was on and off the online sites for almost 12 yrs! Never met anyone that was worth following up a second date with. But I’ve also met people in my personal life that have met their significant other from many of the same sites I was on. So, it does happen, just not often enough. Like one of my much younger friends said just today, on Plenty of Fish, guys just want to get laid. But I have found that true on all the sites.

    After way too many years of being single, I have finally found the love of my life! We have actually known each other for 12 yrs, he was in love with me all that time, but it was just a friendship because he was married, and he lives in NY and I’m here in OB. Well, he came out to visit during Labor Day Week for 5 days, and we had a blast! I never laughed so hard in my life. He is super caring, 2 yrs older than me, adores me, is funny and intelligent and is going to move out here next year! He fell in love with OB. He is a well known children’s book illustrator and we are going to write books together!

    He was a fan of my modeling and acting career and we emailed each other like crazy over the years, he always sent me amazing drawings and paintings of myself, so we had the connection. I’ve never been put on a pedestal before, and I only wish it on every woman I know!

    • avatarjudi says

      Mercy, I am so jealous and so happy for you. All those wasted years. I have read your comments on your F/B and knew you had found someone. And…you didn’t have to go through all the BS of the on-line dating! Congrats!