By Dave Patterson
Like a shot heard round the world, what was considered beyond the limits of civility was breached while we were away. When we saw what had been left on our doorstep in Ramona, my wife ran away screaming and I was taken aback to witness what depths of decency had been abandoned. I shudder to think what may become of society in Ramona as a result of this dastardly act, because this means war.
Someone left an extremely large zucchini on our doorstep. Zucchinis at this time of year are frightening because we are at wits end with what to do with them. We have already eaten enough zucchini bread, eggs and zucchini, zucchini stir fry, and barbecued zucchini to kill a horse, and just the sight of one, never mind an extremely large one, scares the heck out of us. What low-life would do such a thing?
I knew from my 4 years with the Tactical Air Command that one can’t just react and lob a big zucchini onto someone’s porch in retaliation. No, one has to plan a response that meets the damage caused in the unprovoked attack, and be certain that they too will run away screaming!
So, I have embarked on a plan to devastate the neighborhood and win the war. I know that all neighbors are not guilty, but I am certain that whomever did this won’t come forward, so I hatched a plan to frighten everyone. I will have the last word on who has the biggest zucchini!
The other thing I learned in TAC is to always use overwhelming size and force, so against my better sense I have reactivated the in-ground garden plot that I used for almost 20 years. We moved to box gardens to save water several years ago, but in war we have to pull out all stops. I purchased not one, but 6 zucchini plants from Ransom Brothers, and dug deep pits and lined them with wire. Six zucchini plants can produce enough fruit for the population of El Cajon, so I intend on breaking off all the fruit except a couple per plant, and let them grow really big. The wire will keep any gophers from eating my WMDs.
I had to rebuild the drip irrigation system at great expense as well, but it will be worth it when soon enough the Zucchini Ninja will deliver torpedo size zucchinis to my neighbor’s porches while they are away or asleep! So, you think you have a big one buddy, watch this! Civility be damned, Ramona zucchini wars have begun!
Zucchini Ninja!
Dave Patterson is a Ramona peace activist, president of the Ramona Forum www.ramonaforum.org, and past president San Diego Veteran For Peace www.sdvfp.org
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That sir, is not a zucchini. Mexican grey squash.
Dave- I love this post! Despite the real world knowledge that one can indeed have too many zucchinis, every year we would set out six plants and be inundated by nature’s heavy, green bounty. A visit to a friend would always end with “hey, do you want to take a few zucchini home with ya?”
Your neighbor was a bit early…
…and that squash is pretty tiny by comparison to the monsters grown in my parents’ garden in La Mesa. I’m still waiting for my two plants in the overstuffed strip of dirt we call a garden behind my apartment to bear fruit. Don’t even know why I planted the bastages, I’m not a big squash guy…oh yeah, Christina loves ’em. At least my peas are coming in nicely, along with the various varieties of pepper. And it’s impossible to screw up tomatoes…will be drowning in them by this time next month,I’m sure.