by Dave Patterson

I think the Boy Scouts just set in place the demise of the organization.  I say that because the BSA (Boy Scouts of America) just declared that gays are officially not welcome, and I know that some scout leaders and or parents will take it upon themselves to make sure that “Morally Straight” means no gays in attendance.

The official Boy Scout policy, as I understand it, states that the BSA does not proactively inquire about the sexual orientation of employees, volunteers or members.   But we know that people do stupid things, and my intuition tells me that sure as the Pope is Catholic, and a bear goes in the woods, some homophobic leader or parent will decide to make it their job to insure that no gays are involved in their troop.

What they might decide to do, staying with policy of course, is to ask a few off the record questions to determine if the kid is “OK”.  I speculate here of course. The Boy Scout leaders suspect that an 11 year old kid may be gay.

“OK, Kid we want to ask you a few questions.  Don’t be scared, we just want to make sure that the Boy Scouts is the best fit for you, you know some people just aren’t cut out for the Boy Scouts.  Just a few questions…..”

“Tell us Kid do you have frequent sleepovers with other boys?  Do you hang out together with certain boys all the time, perhaps a best friend?  Do you and your friend watch movies together?  Play video and board games together?  Camp out together, you and your best friend, together?  Do your parents consider it normal that boys are hanging out together so much at 11 years old?”

“Do you have any secret magazines under your bed?  Do those magazines have pictures of girls, or boys?  Do you go to church or the synagogue? How often do you attend?  At your church do they say homosexuality is OK, or not OK?  Does your best friend have 2 normal parents, such as a man and a woman?”

“At school do you play sports?  Are you on the swim team? What kind of swimsuit do you have, a boxer type or one of those super tight speedos?    Do you have a knife or a gun?  Does you Dad take you hunting?  Does it bother you to kill animals?  When you say the scout pledge what do you think it means when you say ‘Morally Straight’?”

If there is still some doubt these questions are sure to ferret out a gay infiltrator.  “Do you like Sponge Bob?  Do you have any Sponge Bob books or movies, or 3-D action figures?”

If this happens, and I’m guessing it will, the Boy Scouts are dead–unless they become proactive by requiring that the boys wear testosterone patches.  The hormones will insure that the boys don’t act gay, and everyone will feel better.  We’ll call it Franken Scouts,  “Where men are men and none is gay.”

So long Boy Scouts, you had a good run.

Dave Patterson was a Star Scout in the 1960s