So, if we’re really going to do this “civility” thing we have to understand that we’re not “restoring” something
“Can we all get along?” Rodney King once asked as the streets of LA burned as a result of LA’s Finest literally stomping him into the ground in sight of the whole world only to be found “not guilty,” free to go. Such is life in an uncivil world.
It’s nice to know, though, that in such an in-your-face world as is ours there are people who want to bring some degree of order to it. Like the people with whom I sat at a conference at USD, put on by a movement of people called Restoring Respect, that was all about “Restoring Civility to Civic Dialogue.” Restoring Respect believes that we, as a society, can get beyond today’s politics of incivility and work together to “make sure that our public discourse is worthy of a great Republic.”
I can dig it. But we have to be honest with ourselves and not get all caught up in the notion, as one woman did, that “We need to get back to a time when we treated each other with respect.” I almost said out loud, “When we did what? When was that?” Hey, we can’t make changes if we’re going to hallucinate mythical days that never were.
Now, of course, I can only speak to my life experiences but in those nearly 75 years I haven’t seen anything approaching “civility” when it came to “civic dialogue” of any significance. Oh, we’re a polite people, smilers and greeters all, on the whole, civil as all get out, as they say, but once we have a difference with someone over something we hold dear, then it’s Katy Bar the Door. I’ve seen people almost come to blows over what color the tickets should be at the Halloween Carnival. From my observations over time civility doesn’t come easily for human beings.
So, if we’re really going to do this “civility” thing we have to understand that we’re not “restoring” something, that there is no age to which we can return to see how to get along. Rather, we’re at the dawning of pursuing something that’s beautiful in its very idea: A civil society. How hip would that be? It excites me. We get to create something and I’m all about creativity especially when it comes to civility, when it comes to constructing a spirit of peace and tranquility. It’s all I’ve ever done in my life basically.
Isn’t that what civility is: “a spirit,” a feeling that if we’ve got a task that’s important to us that we can get it done in spite of our differences? And it doesn’t mean that you don’t challenge, that you don’t get loud every now and again; you just don’t attack. You treat others with respect.
And, it’s about time that we’re on to this because if we don’t learn to become more civil our children and grand children and great-grand-children won’t learn to become more civil either – but they must for: in a world where drones fly and Al Queda folks multiply and economies die and glaciers bid us bye bye and hurricanes go deeper into the alphabet and tornadoes drop from the sky like flies and citizens are armed to the teeth afraid of their own shadows and nuclear plants straddle fault lines – well, our descendants, with these problems in their forecast, won’t be able to survive as a species if they don’t know how to get along at some highly advanced level of being.
So schools will have to become involved. The children have to feel what we do and be a part of it so they can, as they are wont to do, mimic it and refine it and take it to levels never beheld. Whatever it is.
I enjoyed the conference, listening to ideas like: “We need more dialogue than debate”; “We need to learn how to find common ground”; “We need to learn to think critically regarding matters that affect our overall wellbeing.” Mesa College has a “Mesa be Civil, Pass it On” campaign aimed at steering students’ minds to acts of civility on campus. It’s the baby steps that get things going, isn’t it?
Bob Filner, the mayor, kicked the day off with “You didn’t expect to see me at a conference on civility, did you?” That got a laugh because my friend can be quite feisty, having, just the day before, called the City Attorney out at his news conference for being “unethical and unprofessional” for giving legal advice through the news media – for even having the news conference.
It might be said that there’s a more civil way to deal with one’s attorney than crashing his party, so the mayor like all of us, needs to work on a few things, as we stride towards civility. He, in particular, might need to flex a little less here and there. The use of power doesn’t have to be loud. We’ll need him to set the tone if we’re to become more civil as a city.
And the Union-Tribune, the city’s major source of news, who crucifies the man for practically every move he makes should play a role in this too. They have to find a way to get beyond their outright hatred of the mayor. Editorials titled “Bob Filner: the Mayor of Dysfunction” do very little to promote healthy discourse. Saying that he “ramped up his running feud” with the city attorney could be softened with “Hey, man, why don’t you and the dude sit down and figure this stuff out.”
If they have a problem with him being a “progressive” and think he doesn’t have “a clue when it comes to leadership” then why don’t they give him a clue like civil people do? The problem with the U-T seems to be: We’ve got a mayor who’s making the powers-that-be break into nervous sweats because they’ve become, over time, way over accustomed to having their will be done. And that’s not going to happen with this mayor.
The fat cats in the tourism industry want Bob Filner to sign an agreement with them so they can collect $30 million dollars to market their hotels and various attractions. And Filner says “Deal.” But the deal is you will be required to provide better pay for hotel workers and more money for city coffers. Whoa, that sounds pretty civil to me. A mayor for the people. A first for this city. That we have a mayor who won’t cater to and tap dance to the tunes of the folks with the do-re-mi bothers the hell out of the U-T. They see the days where everything was about the super-moneyed, what they want, what they think, slipping away.
I sense that civility in our society is going to have to occur from the bottom up, based on how we treat each other in our communities as we work on our various projects. If we find ways to respect and honor each other’s basic wishes and needs, our leaders will have to follow. And each of us will have to work on ourselves to become more civil. One of the panelists at the conference pointed out: “The one thing you can change is you.”
With that in mind as I ponder “Can we all get along?” I remember Reginald Denny, a white construction driver, who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time when the streets of LA erupted. He was beaten severely. But a year later he appeared on the Phil Donahue Show and embraced one of his assailants. That’s compassion. That’s what civility is all about.
For the benefit of our children and the future it will take a lot of Denny’s kind of thinking to do what we have to do. The more civil we become as individuals, the more we can contribute to our communities becoming more civil.
In spite of all the hard work needed it really is that simple. We can all get along.
Photo courtesy of
Ernie McCray
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I have to ask you, Ernie, about this: You say, of Filner, “It might be said that there’s a more civil way to deal with one’s attorney than crashing his party.”
Can you describe what you see as the most effective civil way Filner could have dealt with what Goldsmith did? Using your words, I think that Goldsmith’s use of power was, in the first instance, very loud, very uncivil, and set the tone.
In my experience, letting the powers-that-be intimidate by demanding politeness (= deference) as a first response to abuse of power is a loser, but it is the MO of San Diego’s powerful insiders. Example: A report this morning (UT) on Filner’s request, as a SANDAG Board member, for explanations of SANDAG’s $40 million PR plan, went as follows:
“The board took no action on Filner’s request for board intervention on the PR contracts — prompting Filner to say he was being ignored. ‘What happens to my request?’ he repeated several times. ‘Can I put this on an agenda?'”
Now that sounds pretty civil, and polite, but businesslike. What did that get him? This:
“Lemon Grove Mayor Mary Sessom, noting her board service dating back to 1996, accused Filner of getting bogged down in minutia and referred him to the organization’s bylaws. ‘It will help you a lot,’ Sessom said.
Filner said he appreciated the advice, but added, ‘These are not minutia. These are important policy issues. I don’t need to be patronized by someone who’s been here since 1996. I can tell you I’ve been in politics since 1979. I won’t patronize you that way. So do not call my issues minutia. Do not patronize me that I don’t know anything that’s going on here.'”
And so it goes. I think Filner set a civil tone. But the old guard are pretty tone deaf.
I agree with you fully, that “Goldsmith’s use of power was, in the first instance, very loud, very uncivil, and set the tone” for the problem between him and Filner. And what Filner did is no big problem for me but I would have gone about it differently. I would have showed up at the press conference too but I would have waited until the press came to me (as the mayor) which I would like to think they would have done and I would have made my points at that point, very clearly, about workers being paid more, about how I’m in this for “the people.” Our mayor is in a position to lead and teach, to bring us along as we come out from under these powers-that-be. We have to set a different tone and since there’s far more of us than them we don’t have to shout and scream, we need only to stay true to our dreams and never look back and let the “tone deaf” old guard, like old soldiers, fade away. Civility is a spirit. We have to wrap ourselves in it and more than
“be polite” we need to be steadfast.
Ernie, I think what you suggested as an alternative example for Filner at the news conference is exactly right (I hope he reads this because I really want to see him succeed). Yes, we should never silence ourselves in the face of injustice, but sometimes those who are frustrated over being marginalized by the system wind up mimicking the obnoxious behavior of those who are in power, and that usually undercuts the cause. It’s much more effective to distinguish ourselves by not being seduced by that dynamic. Thanks for your thoughtful treatment of the subject.
And thanks for your feedback, Rick. We have to distinguish ourselves from the macho stancing and such and model a different approach, a more “civil” approach.
Thanks for the reply, Ernie. Sounds good. I like your style. It is Obama-ish, and that works for me. We’ll have to see if it works. Sort of hasn’t, yet.
I hear you, Dorothy. You make my point about how this is not hearkening back to some era we can call “The Good Old Days.” Civility hasn’t happened yet. It has to start now. Take care.
One of the larger obstacles democracy in more recent times has faced in San Diego is the influence of public relations. Lately, the sharks in glorious suits have been able to pitch the notion that anyone who strongly disagrees with brokers, insurers and developers and their political reps lacks understanding and, now, civility. That’s even after they’ve worked scams like the now-defunct Center City Development Corp. and other fronts for the money.
Thank you Ernie, for breaking into that cant so cleanly. I can say your piece has that ring of truth, now that the phrase can be recovered from the now-defunct Copley Press.
Ahh, there are all kinds of rings, rings around the bathtub, rings around the rosie, but there’s nothing like “the ring of truth.”
It was good to read your fine piece on “civility,” Ernie. It is long overdue for us to begin to focus on that aspect of our politics, now that extremism has taken such a grip on both of our political parties.
I have been working over time with some people, locally, as well as around the world, in what are called “the process arts.” These are ways of dialoguing and deliberating with each other that allow courteous consideration of each other’s point of view, methods such as Appreciative Inquiry, Dynamic Facilitation, Open Space Technology, World Cafe, etc. These are methods of dealing with difficult questions that could help us through some of our current problems of relating to each other.
Following an assassination at an abortion clinic in Boston, MA, specialists in the process arts were brought in to assist those on each side of the abortion matter to come together in dialogue. One of the important things they had to sign off on before they began was to agree to address one another in the manner that that person wanted to be addressed.
These two very hotly opposed sides came together not only for a meeting, but rather they continued to meet for over a year. In their deliberations they did not attempt to convert each other to their own point of view, but rather to simply better understand each other’s position.
If the opposing sides in our city government were willing to come together, in good will, to deal with the serious problems at hand in a manner such as this, I bet we could get a lot more accomplished.
I know we would get a lot more accomplished “if the opposing sides in our city government were willing to come together, in good will, to deal with the serious problems” that confront them “to simply better understand each other’s position.” That helps immensely in cutting to the chase as you have pointed out.
I have to take exception to Ernie McCray’s peace-and-love essay. It’s Very
Ernie, but it just doesn’t serve this moment and it is profoundly Beside the Point. Which is exactly why “civility” conferences are convened in the first place and gentle souls like Ernie get invited.
I too believe in peace-and-love, but only after justice and fairness are honored. Something more than the canard of “civility” is required to get justice and fairness, and Mayor Bob Filner knows exactly what he is doing to achieve those goals. He also needs to know we have got his back. Someone has mentioned getting Filner support better organized along the lines of CPI, and I think that’s on the mark.
Please, let’s not be misled into imagining that there is room for anything more important than fully joining Filner in this effort. It matters that Filner — and his adversaries — know that we understand and support WHAT he’s doing and saying and WHY he’s doing and saying it. This is a herculean effort to redirect San Diego’s comfortable and corrupt civic drift. For the first time in 40 years we have a San Diego Mayor speaking authoritatively to a contemptuous Establishment. He deserves our unqualified help.
For those who find it too contentious or too rough-and-tumble, not a problem. But don’t distract from the task at hand with calls for better ways for Mayor Filner to handle outrageous City Attorney Goldsmith at his grandstanding presser or to behave at a dismissive SANDAG hearing. Filner has been in office for TWO months and it is heavy work to turn Battleship San Diego around. Let’s line up behind him without cavilling or equivocation.
I support Bob Filner with all that’s within me and what I’ve written wasn’t to put him down; I just wanted to weigh in on where we are and how we might go about it. The world has been kickass every second of my life and I am so glad to have a mayor who makes the big guys a bit nervous. And I have no problem with rough-and-tumble as I’m a 75 year old black man; I have seen me some rough and tumble but I’ve also seen and have made a lot of accomplishments in my life, especially with students, without having to tighten all the muscles in my body. People often confuse “peace and love” as a weakness, as something that’s synonymous with not willing to get in there and stand up for what you desire; I do that everyday, without hesitation and I can get loud as hell but on the whole I think more gets accomplished when somebody stands above the fray. My philosophy as an athlete was I’ll let these dudes fight and scrape and snarl – while I look for an opening and get the ball and start the fast break. That’s a form of “speaking authoritatively to a contemptuous Establishment” (smile).
The U-T and the San Diego power structure is intent on carrying on DeMaio’s canpaign of characterizing and hence demonizing Filner as an uncivil angry white man. The power structure can be very civil as they smile broadly in their neatly pressed suits and twist the knife in your back. Filner to be sure must not fall into their trap and let himself be characterized this way. On the other hand he shouldn’t shrink from confronting the power structure either. He has a long way to go, and he should be concerned about his public image but not at the cost of abandoning his principles.
Right on, John. One beautiful thing about being a human being, I think, is that we can approach our principles in many ways and none of those ways have to come anywhere near abandoning our principles. I don’t want Bob to be concerned about his public image as much as I would like to see him, simply, be aware of his image. When we can look at and see ourselves we can say to ourselves: Okay, I need to do a little less (yelling and screaming and striking, perhaps) and more (sharing my thoughts with all who need to hear them so they can understand what I’m doing). And, away we go!
I can appreciate Fran Zimmerman’s defense of the first two months of Mayor Bob Filner’s Administration. It is going to be no easy task to turn around decades of dominance in civic concerns by a corrupt establishment. I agree with Fran that we who would support him in his efforts to protect this city and its inhabitants must organize ourselves in such a way that we can prevent the powers that be from forcing their will upon him. Bob Filner has withered many attacks upon him in the past and I have no doubt that he will wither the current storm. In this, however, we must be able to protect him from the demonization which much of the mainstream media has been doing in an attempt to turn the public against him. Perhaps, he needs a better PR person, one who will insure that the pictures taken of him are smiling, rather than scowling ones, as he slips the brick to his opponents. We, also, must develop a team of authoritative and competent spokespersons who will join the Mayor in setting forth his agenda for change in this city, so that he is not perceived to be a lone ranger out there in the civic ethos. The TMD supporters got more of the seats than we did in the council chambers yesterday. We need to be able to mobilize faster than our opposition. In organizing, we must be able to get our message out through alternatives to the mainstream media, certainly use the social media means available to get the word out, and we must develop good ways to stay in touch with each other by computer and cell phone in order to be able to call our numbers together in short order . In this way we will be able to help him to protect our citizens from boondoggles such as this latest giveaway of $1.2 Billion to the hoteliers who would then have complete control over its expenditure with little accountability to the city. Moreover, in these ways, we will demonstrate to Mayor Filner that we truly have his back.
That’s what I’m talking about. The U-T and the powers-that-be are demonizing Bob and it’s working somewhat as he plays right into it. And we always have to remember who “We the People” are. We’re easily bamboozled. I love Bob and I’ve known him a lot of years and feel that he’ll accomplish great things for us but I’ve just happened on a couple of grocery store conversations conducted by people who are basically, I feel, just now becoming aware of him and they see him as one who might be too aggressive to get things done. I don’t agree with that assessment but it doesn’t take much for people to think that way.
“I’ve just happened on a couple of grocery store conversations conducted by people who are basically, I feel, just now becoming aware of him and they see him as one who might be too aggressive to get things done. I don’t agree with that assessment but it doesn’t take much for people to think that way.”
I prefer to hold a mirror up to popular opinionaters and ask how/why THEY remain so complacent! What is their fear? Is it narcissism? All the while society disintegrates around them and they worry about their appearance?
Smiling faces, smiling faces, tell lies. Beware, beware of the pat on the back, it just might hold you back. Bring that song back!
This is a rot in society today, individual and social passivity under a regime of bald-faced liars and human blood-suckers.
With ALL OUR BACKING, the day will come when Mayor Filner will not be subject to commercialized, trivial personality attacks. If he were like all those smooth operators we’re used to in politics, THAT would be a problem.
THAT would, indeed, be a problem if Bob was like all those smooth operators we’re used to in politics.
Ernie, you describe yourself perfectly in your response to my remarks. I have always admired and respected you in all your roles as teacher, principal, writer, and super-cool tall African-American man from Tucson, Arizona.
But I have to say here that Bob Filner has entered a world of killer politics that is much closer to the world of deeply hateful race relations than any of us might wish to acknowledge. This is not about Bob tweaking his message to appear more acceptable to the folks at the grocery store, about being less “aggressive,” about avoiding “playing into” the lies and distortions of the ruthless U-T.
Bob Filner wants to change the way business has been done in this town for 40+ years. He is a liberal, with principles and ideals that he has lived by his entire public life, and he wants to apply them here at home, to benefit every segment of this community. Filner is stepping out of his “place” and he is meeting a furious response.
Friends will stifle the urge to go along with the criticism — ANY criticism for the time being — and forego agreeing with the calls for “civility” that are thinly-veiled demands for capitulation. Friends will figure out how better practically to support the Mayor in this struggle, in such ways as John Falchi suggests. If we can’t do that, then I am not embarrassed to recommend judicious silence and a lot of prayer. Like old age, politics is not for sissies.
Well, I surely don’t advocate Bob capitulating at all as, for myself, I don’t have such a skill. And neither am I easily intimidated and I will be the first to acknowledge how immensely killer the politics and how deeply hateful the race relations are where he is. I guess, where you and I are on this, that I don’t know how to express myself as I don’t really see us with any major differences in all this. I don’t see aggression as non-civil for one thing. And I’m not worried that Bob will play into the lies and distortions of the U-T. And I’m not into that getting more with “honey than with vinegar” kind of thinking either. And I’ve spent a lifetime stepping out of my “place.” I just want the man to succeed and get people more excited about helping him than fearing him. I’m thinking in terms of how Mandela made what changes he made in South Africa through always surfacing the “truths” for people to look at and think about and then act on. To me when we’re pursuing something as a society we should be concerned more with what we want and going after that with as many people as we can gather and let the opposition fend for themselves, let them be nasty and ruthless if that’s how they want to roll. We can counter that without being nastier and more ruthless. And although I’m not saying that to describe Bob I will say that nobody knows that more than he does. He is one of my heroes; he was a freedom rider; he knows the drill. The U-T represents the fire hoses and the dogs and the jails and we represent keeping our eyes on the prize, forever. And the children are watching. And here’s where we get hypocritical as I’m sure today more than once, in our schools, some child got in another’s face and had to face, as a result, a bunch of bs about how that’s not proper, that’s not how we act – so how do we act? We should ask ourselves that at all times as we work to “benefit every segment of this community” in the best ways we can, knowing that this is our chance to put a big dent in the way things have happened in this town for 40+ years. I’ve been waiting for these days ever since I came to San Diego. It’s the reason I’m here. I moved to California to eventually move to San Francisco and thought there are too many people who think as I do there and decided I’m needed here. I guess at the core of all I’m trying to say is I think we can do this thing without screaming at Jan Goldsmith and the like because we have something going for us they don’t have going: a purpose that’s higher than all his jive approach to City Attorneying and their desire to keep things just the way they are. That’s over if we commit ourselves to it. To me slashing at them and throwing rocks at them indicates that we are intimidated by them, and feel we have to be like them in our approach to dealing with them. That stuff is their game. What’s our game?