Credit: Wikimedia Commons
By ZawnVillines / Daily Kos
My daughter was a newborn when Donald Trump was elected. On Election Day, I dressed her in a pantsuit, covered her in feminist stickers, and ensured she saw me voting. We took lots of pictures. I wanted her to know she was part of the moment in history when the first woman president was elected. So waking up to a Trump president hit me hard. I feared for my daughter’s future, and for my own.
Like all traumas, eventually this one began to feel normal. Trump has changed our sense of what we can expect little by little, horror by horror. But this week was especially bad. This was the first week that I felt as horrible as I did following the election. This month was the first time I thought that my fears about the end of democracy might really come to fruition. I envisioned a world without abortion rights. I thought about what might happen to my daughter if a pregnancy ever threatens her life. I wondered if my OB might be willing to write me a “just in case” abortion pill prescription.
My friends who have always lived in fear—black mothers who worry if their sons will come home, trans folx who wonder if their mere existence will get them killed, immigrants who worry they too might one day be ripped from their children—repeatedly emphasize to me how enraging it is to see white privileged liberals only now becoming worried about democracy.
My social media feeds were filled with people in absolute terror. The longer I read, the more frustrated I got. The people who seemed to be in the most fear were those who have the least to lose under the Trump administration: white men, wealthy white women, people with privilege and power. People with some degree of privilege—people like me—are the ones who can most easily fight back. They’re the ones who might just save us. And most of us are too busy panicking to consider this fact.
My friends who have always lived in fear—black mothers who worry if their sons will come home, trans folx who wonder if their mere existence will get them killed, immigrants who worry they too might one day be ripped from their children—repeatedly emphasize to me how enraging it is to see white privileged liberals only now becoming worried about democracy.
Authoritarian regimes thrive on a demoralized populace. They survive by slowly wearing us down. By convincing us there’s nothing we can do. And now so many of my friends are doing that work on their behalf. It’s time to stop. I don’t know what the future holds or if the doomsday scenarios will come to fruition. I do know that spending our time paralyzed in panic only emboldens Trump and his ilk. Feeling depressed feels awful. It’s also what the Trump regime wants because it reduces a person’s effectiveness.
So here is my modest recipe for fighting back against the Trump regime, protecting yourself from panic and depression, and maintaining a little perspective.
Don’t Waste Your Energy on Tactics That Feel Bad or Don’t Work
Every time a progressive-minded person can’t sleep because of the trauma they’re surrounded by, that person becomes a little less effective the next day.
I didn’t listen to the ProPublica audio of immigrant children crying for their parents. I already knew they were crying. I already knew this was horrific. I know how babies cry when they can’t be with their parents because I have a baby. Thinking of her in those children’s shoes would only have left me feeling angry and paralyzed.
You don’t have to do everything. If something drains you or leaves you feeling hopeless, find some other way to contribute. Every time a progressive-minded person can’t sleep because of the trauma they’re surrounded by, that person becomes a little less effective the next day. And the far right becomes a little stronger.
Don’t waste your energy arguing with Nazis on Facebook. Don’t let your conservative family “devil’s advocate” you into a state of rage and panic. Don’t allow people to burn through energy you could spend on something useful.
Listen to and Learn From the People Whom Trump Endangers Most
We have a president who thinks women should be punished for abortion. Border patrol agents are putting children in cages. Our president openly admits to his desire to abandon due process. The entire Department of Justice has been vocal about their eagerness to indefinitely detain families in concentration camps. Everyone in the administration responds to facts with more lies. They’re gaslighting us all.
People of color, women, poor people, and young people are the backbone of the Democratic party. Energize them and we win everything.
At this point, if a person does not realize there is a serious problem, nothing will change their mind. And yet I continue to hear Democrats say we need to cater to moderate whites. We need to give Trump voters what they want. This is always how Democrats respond to shifts right. It’s how they handled the Bush administration. It never works.
People of color, women, poor people, and young people are the backbone of the Democratic party. Energize them and we win everything. In my home state of Georgia, progressive Stacey Abrams trounced her white moderate opponent by shifting left and galvanizing progressive voters. The old strategy isn’t working. It’s time for a new one.
We need to listen to the people whom Trump puts in the most danger. Ask what they need. Cater to their fears—not the fears of white “moderates” who can’t seem to fathom why putting a breastfeeding newborn in a cage isn’t ok.
White privilege, male privilege, and class privilege cause powerful groups to operate under the delusion that their experience is the norm, that their beliefs are right, and that their worldview is the right one. This delusion has made privileged groups blind for far too long, and it’s diluted the potential power of Democrats. It’s time to stop lecturing, and start learning from, marginalized communities.
No More Tone-Policing, Nancy
Stop telling terrified people how to feel. Nancy Pelosi and others who would tone police those who stand to lose the most under Trump need to step aside. If you’re telling someone that their angry reaction to absolute terror is unacceptable, then you don’t take seriously the threat this administration presents. Time to listen more and talk less.
Tone-policing is a way to delegitimize matters of life and death. It prioritizes the feelings of those who put babies in cages over those they want to cage. It’s also not new. Moderates also suggested that Jews in Nazi Germany should calm down, quit being angry, and find ways to work with Hitler.
“By hating Hitler and trying to fight back, Jews are only increasing the severity of his policies against them,” claimed one op-ed.
Do What You Can; Rely on Others to Do What You Can’t
I have a lot of stay-at-home mom friends who have completely transformed their lives to become full-time activists. I admire them. I sometimes envy them. I work and have a breastfeeding baby. Protesting in the middle of the workday is not an option for me, and leaving in the evening when my baby needs to nurse is not typically realistic.
For the first time in my lifetime, activism has become fashionable. This is amazing. It also means that it’s easy to focus on the most visible forms of activism, or even to use activism as a sort of self-promotion. Going to protests feels good. It’s not the only way to be an activist. It’s also ableist to assume that everyone can participate in a march.
Find ways to be useful, and don’t just stick to activism that feels good.
So focus on what you can do. Find something you’re good at and do that. I count on my stay-at-home mom friends to go to the protests I can’t attend. They count on me to write about issues with which they’re not familiar. Don’t waste time feeling guilty about what you can’t do. Do what you can. That’s all any of us can do.
It’s equally important to find a way to use your talents for the cause of justice. We all want to rush into the streets and scream, “Fuck Trump.” It’s not the best option for all of us. My husband is a civil rights attorney. His time is far better spent getting protesters out of jail than going to a protest and joining protesters in jail. He, like the rest of us, has to play the long game. Find ways to be useful, and don’t just stick to activism that feels good. I have doula friends who attend refugee births, therapist friends who are working with immigration lawyers traumatized by what they’ve seen at ICE detention centers, and parent friends who have committed themselves to shifting the voting pool through their children.
It’s simple and obvious because it’s true: Do what you can. We’re all counting on people to use their skills wisely because none of us can do it all.
Use Your Money Wisely
Those of us who have more time or money. Don’t compare someone else’s contributions to your own. Instead, look at what’s reasonable for you. I have some wealthy friends who are proud of themselves for donating $100 to the ACLU. They need to do better.
Activism, in large part, depends on time and money. So recognize that people who have less of each are giving up more even if their contributions seem small. Likewise, if you have more money or more time, you have a moral obligation to give more. Get creative with your contributions. Pay for a fellow activist’s childcare. Get a friend out of medical debt so that they have the energy to take on more activist tasks. Donate to charities paying for abortion in Mississippi, Kansas, Indiana, and other states where women’s rights are most endangered.
Stop Wasting Time Talking About How Bad Things Are or Will Be
Things are bad. Terrifying. “We” won’t all get through this. Children are already being traumatized. Numerous groups’ rights will be scaled back. There’s no place for blind optimism or an insistence that we ultimately will be fine, because there’s no real “we” here. Power and privilege will weigh heavily on how people are affected by this administration—and on whether they can leave if things get really bad.
To behave as if this is the first time things have been really scary, the only moment at which democracy has been threatened is to discount the many horrifying moments of the past.
That doesn’t mean we need to spend all our time talking about how bad things are. There have been many scary moments in this country: Japanese internment, centuries of slavery, medical experiments on people of color, forced sterilization. The list is virtually endless. They sky has fallen many times.
To behave as if this is the first time things have been really scary, the only moment at which democracy has been threatened is to discount the many horrifying moments of the past. It also ignores that, for some people, there’s never been much democracy in this nation.
Op-eds about how terrible things are accomplish only two things: they make us all feel hopeless, and they remind the least powerful that the most powerful are only just now waking up to the realities of oppression.
I don’t know if America as we know it will end. I do know that, even in the very worst case scenario, we’re not all going to end up dead or in concentration camps. There will still be some of us left to fight.
I also know that spinning our wheels in panic about a future we can’t control only wastes energy. Do what you can to protect yourself, yes. But after you’ve done that, stop reading about how bad things are, stop trying to convince people how hopeless it all is, and get back to work.
Stop Blaming Your Allies—Especially Marginalized Groups—for Trump
I’m pretty pissed at people who didn’t vote, or who threw away their vote on a third party. Because if all of them had voted for Clinton, we wouldn’t be in this mess. That doesn’t mean any of this is their fault. People have very valid reasons for staying home or voting third party. Democrats have done a very poor job of representing the needs of the most marginalized groups. So to assume that those groups will vote for them, no questions asked, is galling.
It’s time to stop pointing fingers at those who didn’t vote. Unless, of course, you want them to get even angrier and not vote again. It’s time to sway them, court them, welcome them into the party, give them a seat at the table, and when they’re ready, encourage them to run. We need everyone, and we especially need those who see what’s wrong with party business as usual.
Pick an Issue to Avoid Getting Overwhelmed
I can’t learn it all or do it all, and neither can you. Don’t allow that to paralyze you.
The right talks a lot about “liberal tears.” They know that a multi-pronged attack can paralyze us because we flit from issue to issue, never fully committing and ultimately getting so overwhelmed that we can’t do anything.
I can’t learn it all or do it all, and neither can you. Don’t allow that to paralyze you. Try picking an issue or two and devoting your energy there. Just as you have to count on others to engage in activism when you can’t, you have to count on others to learn about and devote themselves to issues that aren’t yours. Paralysis is your enemy.
Practice Self-Care
Self-care isn’t about face masks and flower baths. It’s about protecting yourself from the steady trauma this world offers. If you fall apart, then you can’t resist. If enough of us fall apart, then it really is over. Practice self-care. It’s not selfish to take a day off to spend time with your family, to stop reading the news, to decide not to educate yourself about the latest crisis. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, even if it means taking a few days off from doing anything at all. A short break is far superior to being completely unable to function and completely useless to the resistance.
Integrate Activism Into Your Day
We all have a daily routine. We shower, eat breakfast, or check our text messages. Activism becomes easier when it becomes routine. Just as you set aside time to reply to emails or get dressed, set aside time to do something useful every day. Put “call senators” on your to-do list, or schedule 30 minutes to pen an op-ed. When activism becomes a normal part of your existence, it feels less demanding. It also slowly erects a wall of pressure on elected representatives.
Stop Trying to ‘Save’ Racist, Nazis, and Other Defenders of Trump
Some things should divide us. Like putting kids in cages and families in concentration camps.
You can’t save your racist uncle. You can’t convince your co-worker that immigrant children are people who suffer. Stop trying. Every time you engage with defenders of far-right atrocities, you treat their ideas as valid and worthy of consideration. These people have shown time and again that they do not care about suffering, are unresponsive to evidence, and uncommitted to the facts.
Shun them instead. Do you really want your racist uncle having access to your kids? Do you really think survivors of Nazi Germany now brag about how they never let political differences divide them? Some things should divide us. Like putting kids in cages and families in concentration camps.
You might not be able to change minds. You can avoid wasting energy on bad people. You can show the right wingers in your life that their views have consequences. Do you really want a relationship with someone who would gladly lock up your children if Donald Trump said to do it?
Get them out of your life and be happier, healthier, and a more effective activist.
For the Love of God, Show Up and Vote. Please.
Clinton was not perfect. Under her, however, abortion wouldn’t be under attack. We might be talking about police reform instead of how to lock up more black and brown bodies. It’s been said so often because it is true: Elections have consequences.
We must accept no one who wants to be a moderate in the face of right-wing extremism and concentration camps for children. There is no room for gentle disagreement here. Either you fight back against Trump or you have to go.
Even with Trump in office, even if the Supreme Court shifts far to the right, even if things get so much worse, elections still matter. In Georgia, where I live, we have the chance to elect a progressive black woman who can push back hard against Trump. Her Republican opponents support caging immigrant babies. There’s a clear distinction, and it matters.
In cities and towns across the country, judges are running for election. Young people are seeking seats on city councils. People are still trying to change. Just this week, a young Latina woman unseated a 10-term Democrat incumbent.
Conservative defenders of Trump, Democrats who don’t push back, and everyone who stays silent in the face of oppression need to know we are coming for them. The only way we do that is by voting. We must accept no one who wants to be a moderate in the face of right-wing extremism and concentration camps for children. There is no room for gentle disagreement here. Either you fight back against Trump or you have to go.
You can learn more about the next election in your area and who is running here or here. Take some time to Google candidates. Call them. Demand answers. Tell them they’ll only get your vote if the push back, and push back hard.
The people who are proudest of how they behaved in Hitler’s time aren’t the ones who sat quietly and read op-eds about how bad things are. They’re not the ones who wasted time fighting with their racist uncle. The people who can be proud of what they did are those who spent every last shred of energy they could fighting.
Fight Back in Every Way You Can
Do it all, and do as much as you can. It might not all work. Maybe it will all fail. No matter the outcome, we have to make it as hard as we can for these Nazi monsters to take this country. We can use this as a turning point. We can look in the mirror, realize we’ve never been what we claim to be, and we can fight back against racism, sexism, and oppression once and for all. Or we can give up.
I’m never giving up.
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For the Love of God VOTE! Says it all on a very basic level.
“If [people who didn’t vote, or who threw away their vote on a third party] had voted for Clinton, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“It’s time to stop pointing fingers at those who didn’t vote.”
But not before you get in one more really hurtful stab of the knife, I guess.
No, that’s just good writing. She’s acknowledging the feeling, and then offering the counter to it. To pretend people (on the left) aren’t thinking that would be disingenuous.
“…one more really hurtful stab of the knife…” I would expect no less from someone who posts at Daily Kos. They tolerate only one reality: Clinton, Clinton, Clinton.
I abandoned Kos during the 2016 primaries after Kossacks repeatedly attacked me for posting data that to them was heretical. It consistently showed that Sanders was by far the stronger candidate against every GOP contender — and that Clinton showed worrisome signs of electoral weakness.
You can imagine how well that went over. Meanwhile, I posted findings at BerneWorks.com.
Amen, Ira!
Yes. I just replaced Clinton with Sanders in this article and it made better sense. He is and wasn’t the moderate Democrat that was running. The rest of the article rang mostly true for me and I’ve found my mental health does good when I’m fighting the good fight with activism. Here’s a good place to start. Get out the vote with Postcardstovoters.
I am preparing to have a much more insanely busy life than I have now. I am retiring in September and hitting the road to campaign for change during the midterms push. On the local, state and federal platforms. This posting and many others like it are why. I am preaching to the choir with most of my friends but I need to get out of my comfort zone and do something. My dad always said “You can rest when you are dead.”
Agree with everything here except about “courting” progressives who did not vote. We have a two-party system in the US when it comes to a Presidential election. This is fact. If a given person has to be cajoled, courted, etc., to vote *against an acual fascist* who has stated they will hurt maginalized groups and strip away rights? That person isn’t verynprogressive. I am going to do other things with my time, instead of trying to meet someone’s needs for progressive ideological purity. Progressives, vot for whoever you want in the primaries in 2020, but in the actual election? The choice is between two candidates. Period. And if one of them is Trump, and you know how awful he is and yet you don’t do your part to stop him because you don’t feel excited about the Dem offering or you wanted someone else who did not get the nod? You are a bad person.
Thanks,Ricky, I’m a bad person, then. Since 2006 I’ve walked at least one hundred precincts, made over 3,000 phone calls recruiting people to walk in their own precincts getting out the democratic vote. The election in 2016 was different, though. I poll-watched and saw people voting on provisional ballots–about half the voters at this particular polling station in Mira Mesa. The voter rolls were wrong. So I knew without a doubt that California would go for Hillary and I could safely vote third party for the first time in my life. Voting for Hillary wouldn’t have been a matter of holding my nose. It would have meant injuring myself with a surplus of bile after seeing all that she did, all that she said and didn’t say. (By the way, her book is a great read.)
I am not asking for ideological purity. I’m asking that the dems not cheat. I’m asking for a fair contest, and for my vote and your vote to count. Asking too much? If you consider me a “bad person” for wanting this, then, well, we’ll both be sorry, no?
Well stated. The author lost me at ‘Clinton’
Thank you, Marcia.
Thank you, Marcia, and, especially Daily Kos’ Zawn Villenes. And The Freep.
This is a very strange article. I know people from all walks of life, especially on social media, and not one of them has expressed outrage that white privileged people are just now shocked at what’s going on.
Also, I don’t think it’s true that most of us are paralyzed. If anything, just the opposite. I think a lot more people are protesting, writing and calling their representatives, getting involved in local politics, donating money and read more about the news on a daily basis, than ever before. That’s why the subscriptions for Vanity Fair, Washington Post and NY Times has risen dramatically.
In fact, I’m one of those people who never used to care about news or politics, and now I have a subscription to the NY Times. I read their morning briefing almost every day. I watch shows like The Daily Show, which I used to only watch because my husband liked it.
You are correct that it’s useless most of the time to argue with RWC or trolls. Sometimes I do it because there may be other people reading it (on social media) that are ignorant and not quite so closed-minded, who will learn something. Otherwise, I just call that person a troll and move on. As far as real life friends and family, though, I’m not going to “shun” any that are Trump supporters. That would be pointless and just create drama. We simply do not discuss politics or current events in person or on social media. Most of mine also know not to post anything like that on their social media, or they will get a lot of arguing from me and their other friends. They have learned that from the past, so at least they have enough shame, or awareness, not to post about it. I don’t post it on my own feed, either, to prevent arguing.
There have always been right wingers and racists. Trump has just emboldened them to act out and speak out more. They will be there long after he’s gone, hopefully shamed again back into the shadows.
Sometimes a moderate might be a good choice if the only other viable choice is worse.
You shouldn’t get annoyed at your “wealthy” friends who are proud to donate $100. You really don’t know how wealthy a person or family is. People try to keep up appearances. One of them may have lost a job, or they might have huge medical expenses, or they have very little in savings. Many people feel helpless, and in that case, why would you donate a huge amount of money if you think it’s not going to matter?
I don’t think that most Trump supporters are necessarily bigots (I’ve seen many articles and posts that assume they all are). I think many of them are ignorant and have given in to their anger at lost jobs, etc. Many are single issue voters who only care about stopping abortion or keeping guns. I also think there’s a difference between someone who is an enthusiastic Trump supporter and someone who just voted for him because they always voted Republican.
I agree with the rest!
Otherwise, I
Listen to the terrified screams of the little children. Play the audio for everyone you can. Sear it into your soul and that of every voter.
No person responsible for this atrocity deserves a place in civil society, let alone a role in government.
We must drive from office every lawmaker who has either perpetrated this crime, or has had the power to stop it and not done so.
Nothing can excuse this. Nothing.
So play and replay the audio until there is not a decent-minded voter in America who would not (in Ted Cruz’s words) crawl over broken glass to vote out the perpetrators.
The suffering of toddlers crying “Mama! Papa!” must not be in vain.
Let it be your purpose from now until November — and beyond.
Telling me to end my relationships with Trump defenders is telling me to end my 38-year marriage. Watching my husband become a Trump supporter and remain a faithful Trump defender has been extremely difficult. His actions make me feel like he cares more about defending Trump’s every move than having a relationship with me, although he tells me every day he loves me. We cannot talk at all. Every time I try, he defends Trump in some manner and angers me and I leave the room. I didn’t know he is a racist until Trump was elected and he seemed to revel in the glory and his racism has been showing ever since. Trump has successfully driven a huge wedge between my husband and me. Everyone I ask does not know anyone in my position, so I’m just going on instinct as far as survival techniques, but could sure use some sound advice, not advice to end our long-term marriage. He seems glad to have more time to himself and doesn’t seem to miss me or the relationship we had before he made the conscious choice to become a Trump supporter. He didn’t consider how that would affect our marriage. He refuses to renounce his support for Trump. If we had to live in close quarters, I’m sure we would be divorced by now. Luckily, our house is big enough that sometimes we don’t even realize the other one is at home. I have worked very hard my whole life and have only recently retired, so I don’t really want to get divorced and start over. I am very accustomed to my home and want to continue living in it. I wish a friend or family member could talk some sense into him since he won’t listen to me, but they avoid the subject when they are around him.
Laura, when I was walking precincts to get the vote out for Obama there was one precinct where the only democrats on the street were women married to a Republican. Finally I asked one, “how do you do it?” She answered that they just don’t talk politics. Another woman who was very active for the dem party was married to a Republican. Same question. “Our dinners are very lively.” This is all pre-Trump.
Thigmotaxis. A favorite word that basically means when you push someone in one direction, they’ll push back the opposite way in order to stay upright. One of my favorite stories of walking was when I knocked on the door of a “no party” person. “Do you know who I am?”
“Yes, you’re Andrew…”
“No, I’m not. I’m a Baptist minister from Indiana, Tea Party Republican, Reaganite, Conservative. And who are you?”
“I’m Mar….”
“No you’re not! You’re an Obama-loving socialist,” and he goes on for a bit.
“You forgot ‘Commie’.
He laughed, and we had a conversation. Mostly not about politics, but about personal stuff. Towards the end he said,
“I like your hair.”
“I like your man-giggle.”
Then he asked me out for tea.
When you talk about personal stuff you get closer. You can save politics for like-minded women friends. Or people you meet with great signs at the protests and marches. There’s one today, eight a.m. til eight p.m. at Chicano park. Maybe I’ll meet you there!
It is more than politics. It is moral. Trump is insane, immoral, has no empathy for others, and needs to be removed from office. My husband totally disagrees.
Laura, reading your comments, I thought I was reading about myself – only a 24-year marriage here. My husband voted for Trump although he is one of those who alwsys vote for the person with an R behind their name, no matter what. He is slso a person who never admits he has made a mistake and never apologizes. Like you, I live in a large home and keep some distance between us. The name Trump is never spoken in this house and if the creature comes on tv, my husband quickly changes the channel. I know the marriage will never be the same and each day I think of ending it. You are not alone. I rely on my friends to get me through each day.
Trump has been very successful at pitting friends against one another and has probably caused a lot of divorces.
Laura, my heart goes out to you. Surely this monster we temporarily have as president is not worth ending a 38-year marriage over. I am impressed by the idea of thigmotaxis expressed in the Marcia’s comment above: “Thigmotaxis. A favorite word that basically means when you push someone in one direction, they’ll push back the opposite way in order to stay upright..” I knew this was true, but never knew the name for it.
If you can’t discuss politics – I have avoided discussing politics with my husband of 36 years all the way up until now (he finally saw the light and did NOT vote Republican this time. PSHEW!!) – why not focus on things you DO have in common (your children? your friends? your community affiliations? your vacations? other things you have liked doing together.) People are a complicated mix of opinions and emotions. I doubt very many of us are 100% in one political camp or another. Don’t push your husband into a role he may not belong in and don’t allow him to push you into the opposite camp. I am sure you have something you can enjoy and share in common. Focus on that. This craziness will end one day, the ideology will wane over time. Then you will be glad you didn’t throw away an important human relationship for the sake of a temporary political situation you cannot control.
So, I just reread your post and want to offer one further comment. As long as you are focused on getting your husband to change his mind, your relationship is bound to suffer. There is no way anyone can “talk some sense into” your husband because his choices are undoubtedly not based solely on reason. Maybe not at all on reason? Your best bet for softening his stance would be to find a few small political issues you maybe can agree on and voice your opinion occasionally. That way at least you sound “reasonable” to him. As long as your stance is 100% opposed to his, you sound like an alien to him. Certain news channels go out of their way to make anyone with progressive views sound crazy, and it seems few people who watch those channels have the power to critically analyze what they hear. Opposing your husband’s views will not change his mind. Finding areas where you are not opposed to each other MAY soften the divide – at least a little bit. Wishing you good luck on this issue, and peace and happiness going forward.
I find it even more intolerable to be in the same room with him since he has said he is fine with refugee children being snatched from their refugee parents at our Southern border and unjustly incarcerated separately. We have nothing in common anymore except our grown children.
You are not alone! Many couples are separated and divorced over this issue. Meanwhile you need to watch “They Brainwashed My Dad”, and realize that “history” is not a reason to stay in a miserable relationship; my parents divorced after 41 years and they are HAPPY.
Hard truth: Your husband is a fucking asshole. He needs help, or to lose you to change.
Good luck!
I have seen the film twice and forced him to watch it once. It made no difference. Years ago, I couldn’t imagine how long-term married people could divorce finally, but now I get it. People change as they get older. Some liberal people become more conservative as they get older — like him.
Great ideas, thank you! I’d love to live on the West Coast, where it’s white males who post about progressive issues. As a white male, married to an undocumented POC in the midwest, I see only one other white friend who posts at all about Trump’s horrors. It is all of my immigrant and friends of color who are posting. I try to boost their messages and give light to their reality.
The ignoring of Trumpers sentiment can work. I have not talked to 2 of my siblings since election day. (I had come from work, where 2 of my 20 coworkers are white. The entire office was crying and discussing the election. My husband was shocked that I would think my 2 siblings would vote for Trump. They knew him and his sisters and family. How could they? We called them and laughingly, they voiced that they had no concern for our safety and futures, and it was hilarious that Trump won.)
I realized at that point, for the entire election, they had been mocking Trump over other GOP candidates. I thought they somehow, no matter how bad it got, they would vote 3rd party or write-in. I never thought they could actually vote for this person, who had called my family criminals, and vowed to separate and lock up children. If this was the case of some distant acquaintance, I might be more accepting. However, they were close family. If they had no empathy or concern for their own brother and his family, how would I ever be able to persuade them to have empathy for humanity, immigrants, or refugees?
Cutting them out has removed a lot of stress at gatherings. We don’t have to listen to them spewing fake Fox News or argue points of fact or science. Also, I’ve run into a lot of mutual family friends, who are shocked, with how far down the rabbit hole my siblings have gone. If I had kept up socializing and visiting with them, it would be indirectly enabling their awful behavior and mutual friends would think everything is ok.
There are a lot of horrors, fear, and economic damage being done to many families under this administration. I know of 3 close friends who have been deported. I’ve had 12 friends get married, specifically out of fear, during the first 1.5 years of this regime. I lived under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr, and never had this many friends directly affected. This time around, it is serious and drastically different.
This article was reposted from Daily Kos. The author’s home blog is called “Feminist Mothering” which suggests this person isn’t a white male. A quick read through her posts tells me she lives in Georgia. Just sayin’
Thank you for this. Well-articulated and much needed after the past two weeks.
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We do what we can, go to the rallies, call our reps, donate money. I wanted to contribute more, so I am donating my music to help fund the ACLU’s efforts.
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Link in my profile or go here:
https://michaelboezi.com/aclu
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100% of the proceeds to the ACLU.
There is a lot of good advice here. I sometimes, like so many people I know, fall into despair, but I learned long ago that the antidote to despair is action.
I don’t remember a time, however, when I wasn’t fighting for justice in some way. My parents started me out on that path by their example. I am not the only one of my white friends and acquaintances for whom this is true. I am 66 years old and there has always been so much pain and injustice in this country. We can only do what we can do, sometimes that has been very overt actions, sometimes just helping people and advocating for them individually.
I am ambivalent about “shunning” my younger brother who supports Trump, but since he lives 2000 miles away, the decision is moot. Or s also clear that he beleives Fox news and critical thinking has neverbeen his strong suit. I don’t have any friends who support Trump or neonazis, There is no way I could be friends with someone who would wish harm on other people that I know and love (and millions that I don’t know). Way too dissonant for me in my personal life.
But I am very grateful for this article. It contains so much that is good, that I needed to hear. I will be fully retired soon and am pullng way back from work, so I have more time to offer whatever skills a I may have for the good fight. And I am grateful for mothers lke Zwan: bringing up a loving child and goving your husband the space to do his work is very important. I would say that if the roles were reversed.
Thank you.
lets abandon the electoral college
If I read this correctly, her point is that people currently voting GOP over Democrats are evil and can’t be reasoned with. If the Democrats run on a more progressive platform they will increase turnout of people that don’t vote, and they will win elections. This strikes me as both tribal and politically naive, but she could be right— if she is are there any close races in November where the Democratic candidate is doing what she says that if she’s right we should expect to raise turnout that cause victories?
Hi Arthur, There is actually a ton of evidence for the argument that one of the biggest reasons for Clinton’s Electoral College loss in 2016 was that liberal, youth, and POC did not turn out for her like they did for Obama. They either didn’t vote at all, voted the rest of the ticket and left the top line blank, voted for Stein, or wrote in Sanders. I can also tell you as a regular volunteer and canvasser, the Clinton campaign made very little to no effort to persuade or will those voters, compared to both the 2008 and 2012 (Obama campaign)‘s. Obama did not take those photos for granted. He actively use volunteers to persuade them starting in the spring and summer of those election years. The Clinton campaign did not start knocking on doors until ballots were mailed. By then, a lot of those voters were already completely checked out. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Democratic turnout is the main reason that we’re seeing all of you surprise wins in special elections across the country. And the primary turn out is looking really good as well as a predictor for turn out this fall. Here are a few articles speaking to that:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2018/03/14/what-the-pennsylvania-special-election-tells-us-about-the-democratic-turnout-surge/
http://www.newsweek.com/democrat-turnout-surges-87-texas-primary-2014-834806
https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/local/governor-turnout-analysis/
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/26/upshot/why-strong-turnout-was-not-enough-for-democrats-in-georgia.html
Another thing that people rarely think about, but has a huge impact on turnout, is the fact that because so many districts are gerrymandered to give advantage to one party, the Democrats have often not put resources into even running a candidate in some state legislative and even congressional districts. This has a huge impact on turnout! Imagine if you’re a Democrat registered in those areas, and there’s not even a Democrat running for those seats on your ballot. Number one, you’re much less likely to bother voting. Number two, local candidates are the ones who motivate volunteers to go knock on doors for their campaigns. Just having a candidate running in a local race has an enormous impact on turn out in that district.
In 2016, we had a huge number of districts where no Democrat was running. This also really depressed or turnout. In 2018, that vacuum has been filed across the country by people who are passionate and are running for office for the first time. This is incredibly encouraging and bodes well.
Ugh. Corrections:
– persuade or WOO those voters
– Obama did not take those VOTERS for granted
Ah, these Clintonites. Still blaming youth and progressives for being inspired by a candidate that was Not Clinton. And for NOT being inspired by Ms. Clinton.
Regardless of the 2016 Dem primary outcome, Sanders was a stronger (and thus safer) electoral choice against the GOP than Clinton.
I’m not the one making this statement. I am merely reporting it. Who, then, said it? Answer: 150 mainstream polls during the 2016 primary season — with no cherry-picking.
During March, April, May and early June 2016, voter surveys by major polling organizations and news media across the political spectrum — including CNN, NBC, CBS, Fox, USA Today and others — asked likely voters: who would you pick in November, Clinton or [name of GOP contender]. Then they asked the same question regarding Sanders versus the same Republican.
Sanders outperformed Clinton 90 percent of the time, sometimes by a wide margin. Further, Clinton LOST to GOP contenders a worrisome percent of the time. Sanders almost never did.
I tracked these outcomes in real time and posted tallies at BerieWorks.com. You can still see them there.
During the 2016 primaries many well-meaning voters told me, “I like Bernie but I’m voting for Hillary because she’s more electable.” As you can see, the reverse was true. Disastrously so.
Yes, polls are often wrong. But when 150 of them over time, each with its own methodology, reveal a consistent trend, it’s time to pay attention. Almost no one did.
Here’s one of the exceptions: http://fair.org/home/polls-showed-sanders-had-a-better-shot-of-beating-trump-but-pundits-told-you-to-ignore-them
Now, two years later, Sanders still polls as one of America’s most popular politicians. He still guides the movement he launched — the one many of us are part of today.
Obi Wan’s warning comes to mind: “Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.”
Typo correction: BernieWorks.com
Oh, my, oh, my. Did I mention that I worked for Bernie’s campaign in spring of 2016? That was pure eye-opener. I also poll-watched. So there I was in Mira Mesa watching people voting on provisional ballots because they were on the voter rolls incorrectly. What the heck?! Then, getting together with the Bernie people who were observing the voting at UCSD, we were told that they, the students, voted provisionally as well. Some lame excuse that they forgot their apartment number. They were registered at 9500 Gilman, the address for the university. Really? Anyone here was a witness and want to corroborate that? I was not a witness. But there they were. Did they come out to vote for Hillary in November? Michael Vu, our illustrious Registrar of Voters, has a record of fishy stuff in Ohio before he came here, and I was in the courtroom for the lawsuit against him
regarding the vote-counting So, you’re wondering why people didn’t come out to vote for Clinton?
Oh, and something else amusing: I’m an older person with not great skill at computers or other electronics. But a young neighbor told me of an app connecting people in purple Colorado who would contact someone here in California asking that person to vote for Jill Stein so the Coloradan could vote for Clinton without too much nausea. That’s crazy that people felt compelled to do that!
My fervent wish is that the dem party have a truth and reconciliation commission so we can get ourselves together and win in November. Do you think that’s possible? I want the party to confess to cheating. Yes, cheating.
Last bit: aargh!
lol, leftist liberal hater … stop fighting what is right and stand with the TRUTH
Sorry but isn’t this a prime example of Tone Policing?:
“It’s time to stop pointing fingers at those who didn’t vote. Unless, of course, you want them to get even angrier and not vote again.”
Clearly, people who didn’t vote didn’t take the threat that Trump posed to marginalized groups seriously, which gave them the privilege of being apathetic or throwing their vote away on a 3rd party candidate. This is perhaps the most toxic example of white privilege to date. Or if you’re not white and didn’t vote, how is that different from having suicidal tendencies?
If you haven’t read “Tailspin: The People and Forces Behind America’s Fifty-Year Fall–and Those Fighting to Reverse It ” then you really don’t have as big a picture about what we, the people, are up against. This is not about left v. right, conservative v. liberal … this is about the people v. the big money interests that have taken control of the congress, the white house, and our future. The false dichotomies and so-called “social issues” are simply distractions from the real issues that the big money people don’t want us to see. All the conspiracy theories are another distraction, btw.
Just voting for a Democrat (or a Republican) won’t really fix the underlying problems. Neither will fighting the Identity politics or social/culture wars. Only finding candidates willing to buck the big-bucks politics of corporate greed will do it. Especially big pharma (the real culprit behind the failures in the ACA) and Wall Street.
Another important and quick read: Brigadier General Smedley Butler’s “War Is A Racket.” After FDR raised taxes on the corporations, a number of them hatched a plot to assassinate him. They asked Smedley Butler to assist, which he refused to do. There was a hearing in Congress about this, but I believe that at the time it was not made public, as that would have frightened people. You think? So the corporations are now in power as they were before FDR. Hopefully we’ll swing back, but I’m worried it’s too late.
find it here:
https://www.wanttoknow.info/warisaracket
Thank you for this perspective. I am sure there is a lot of truth in it.
I’m so glad I came across this article. I am a 68-year old grandmother, who feels much of what you express in this piece. My family has been so divided since the 2016 campaign. I have 4 children, one is a liberal and thinks like me, the others think more conservatively like their father. I don’t think any of them like Trump, but my husband, most of all, gets upset with me if I try to talk about him and what’s happening.
I worry most for my grandchildren, and what the world in which they grow up will be like. Most times, I feel exactly as you wrote – hopeless and unable to make a difference. I’ve attended rallies, but I feel as if what I do doesn’t matter.
I am going to print this and keep it where I can read it occasionally. I live in a sanctuary city and have previously worked for the nonprofit agency that helps refugees. I am retired now and have done a little volunteering, and I now hope to begin working with refugees and my local Democrat committee. I live in NYS, which is mostly blue, but I am upstate west where there are lots of Republicans, so it’s hard to find like-minded people.
Thank you for these words. They will now go into my toolbox!
We don’t know at this point if voting will even be valid.
When you have a government that doesn’t recognize Russia meddled in our elections and therefore have no plans to implement any safeguards in the next election, then nobody can say that our voting system won’t have a Russian dictated outcome again.
Then there is the issue of gerrymandering, with a right leaning Supreme court, I am quite certain that the courts will approve Republican voter redistricting maps that discount minority votes or make creative laws that will exclude them from voting altogether.
Then there is the chance that the courts will give to Corporations the few remaining voting rights that ordinary citizens have left to the point that we will have no say in our elections whatsoever.
Unfortunately, I see no way out of this mess, at least not for a few generations! On the bright side, Canada isn’t far!
True but the downside is that if you are old with health problems Canada doesn’t want you.
I appreciate both the article as well as the Comments,…but I would respectfully suggest that one more item be added to the list: a good sense of humour. Admittedly, there’s very little to laugh about these days,…but for me, being able to do so is saving my sanity. Even if it is also aggravating the devil out of my friends on the Right. Humour and laughter are formidable weapons if used properly. And for an effective release of tension, nothing on this earth beats a good belly laugh. So fight the good fight, and give yourselves a Laugh Break whenever you can–I promise that it will work wonders. Godspeed to all. :-)
Hee hee. You asked for it:
In the Wikipedia definition of the Dunning-Kruger Effect there was the word “anasognosia”. I love that word! It has both “sog” and “nose” in it! The article I was reading was describing Trump–basically a lack of self-perception, thinking that you’re very grand when nobody else can see that. I sent the word to my wonderful comedy improv teacher, Jacquie Lowell, who put it into a Limerick:
While talking with Nancy Pelosi-a
Our president strikes a big pose-ia
His bullshit is such
We think it’s too much
Of a case of anosognosia!
And here’s the source, the Dunning-Kruger Effect.
For further enjoyment check out John Crace’s parody in The Guardian from a few days ago. Yes, comic genius is just what we need, and it’s all around us. Be well.
i don’t think he has a lack of SELF-perception, i think it’s reality he doesn’t perceive!
also, as someone else wrote on this site, he is “unteathered from the truth.” iow, he will say anything without caring whether or not it happens to be true.
Here’s a link to John Crace’s piece in The Guardian.
I agree with what you say, lots of good advice to keep sane here. Thank you.
I find truth in the article and many comments. For me the bottom line is that these monsters must be voted out of office. In the end nothing else matters. Fight it out among your liberal/progressive selves until the bitter end but when the election happens there will be no excuse for not voting or writing someone in. If we fail at this we won’t see the end of the evil repercussions in yours, mine or even our great grandchildren’s lifetimes assuming our planet is even habitable by that time.
Yes; demoralization is our enemy. And also yes; sometimes stopping to breathe and get grounded is absolutely essential to our longterm survival.
I’d like to add though – and this is related to the entitled among us learning to listen to stories and voices of those who have always been oppressed in this “land of the free” – that we have been given an amazing opportunity to examine our shadows. Our shadows are the parts of ourselves that we’ve kept hidden, and Trump’s election basically laid open a view into undeniable darkness.
Examining our own shadows is essential to our evolution. To change the world, we must first change ourselves. I am trying to personally evolve in those periods when I’m not technically “active,” because we ARE the revolution. Or, the revolution will mean nothing if we also don’t change ourselves to be more community oriented, more flexible and generous of spirit, and more attuned to others’ suffering. This is hard work for many of us. I’m not making excuses, but am instead suggesting that we will need to remain patient with ourselves and with one another. Some people are already there. Others don’t believe in evolution, and their stagnation will hurt them in the end. My advice? Take care of yourself. Get well, and stay strong. Then offer a hand to others. And of course: vote!
Susan, I totally agree with you. Becoming self-aware of our shadows and working to be better people is as critical as the points Zawn raises (IMHO amended by Suzanne’s 7/1/18 comment). One of the best ways to fight back is just in the day-to-day: being kind to others, modeling the behavior we want to see, examining our own prejudices and how those might get in the way, not taking out hard feelings on others, and especially refusing to pour more hatred into the world psyche. This is not the same as embracing bigots or aiming as a moderate to accept them in our lives; like with abusers, it’s accepting they can’t be who we want them to be and cutting ourselves from them if necessary to avoid drowning, but still caring about them as people. IMHO, the Trump supporters have succumbed to cult mentality; the president is another Jim Jones looking to gaslight people to follow him anywhere.
Thanks for adding to/building on my comments. Yes – so cult-like, this hypnotic state of blindly following a lunatic, narcissistic con man. And your analogy that many of these followers are like abusers? Exactly.
One of my fave books was Kathryn Schulz’ Being Wrong. She explains why and how people have such a hard time admitting error. (Oh, let’s be generous and call these people’s beliefs “error”, yes?) It’s a fun book and worth a read before getting out and walking precincts or making phone calls for the midterms. Also, if you have time, it’s worth it to join one of the local chapters of the democratic club. I’m in one (La Jolla) and it’s such a refreshing feeling to sit amongst your peeps, whether you agree on everything or not.