From #secondcivilwarletters; unknown artist
By Anna Daniels
In between shilling pills and elixirs like InfowarsLife Super Male Vitality tonic and fighting off lawsuits from his wife and Sandy Hook parents, MAGA groundhog Alex Jones saw his shadow and prognosticated a Second Civil War launched by Democrats on July 4. No, we aren’t linking to it— no clicks from us.
While we Dems prepare for the final assault on the Red Hats, the twitter hashtag #secondcivilwarletters , a send up of Ken Burn’s Civil War documentary, is today’s best fun read. Here’s a few of the tweets, more at the hashtag link.
Dear Mama,
We’ve surrounded the unit led by Gen Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Their food supply has been cut off & they’re down to the last of their Chick Fil A rations. We’re smoking them out with show tunes. Won’t be long now. #secondcivilwarletters— Nicole Michel (@nicoleaoii) July 3, 2018
I stared at the dying soldier, his Alt-Reich Douchestaffel uniform covered in blood.
He gripped my arm, eyes wild with fear of impending death.
"One question…" he gasped.
"Anything," I said.
With his last breath he sighed, "What is a clitoris?"
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
Dear Mother,
The Red Hats pinned us down until we were saved by the cavalry: women of color on horseback charging into battle.
Afterward, despite having no horses or expertise, some of the white males in our unit demanded to be in charge of the cavalry.#secondcivilwarletters
— Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) July 3, 2018
Dearest Wife,
Please allow me to unburden my soul. Earlier, at the Battle of Two Scoops, I killed an enemy soldier, a young lad who could not have been a day over 19. His last words shall haunt me for the rest of my life: “Womp Womp.” #secondcivilwarletters— Ranjit Arab (@NotARaja) July 3, 2018
Dearest wife,
Quick thinking saved my platoon today from the Red Hats as we erected a barrier out of Hillary’s e-mails, since they still can’t seem to get over them. War is Hell. #secondcivilwarletters— Fredd @O!ComicCon BoothP4 (@freddgorham) July 4, 2018
Dearest Mother,
I know you are worried, but rest assured that I remain safe from harm or capture by the enemy.
I have disguised myself as white privilege, and the Red Hats cannot bring themselves to acknowledge my existence. #secondcivilwarletters
— Harlan (@therealharlanf) July 4, 2018
Dear Pa-
General Obama came to inspect the troops. The general inquired as to my name & I said “Private Tom Chapman from the great state of Virginia ma’am.”
Then she shook my hand and told me to call her Michelle.
This is why we fight, Pa.#SecondCivilWarLetters pic.twitter.com/mJKZ9vhpjM— RealTomChapman 🏳️🌈 (@realTomChapman) July 3, 2018
Darling,
While this war has been tiresome, I don’t expect it to last. Red Hat casualties are mounting. They choose not to treat their wounded brethren, instead they just scream “I’M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE” & leave them for dead.
Yours Always, A#secondcivilwarletters
— Keeping Cancer Classy (@KeepCancrClassy) July 4, 2018
Anna Daniels
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