Dave Barry / The Miami Herald (Originally published Feb. 22, 2008.)
OK. You turned 50. You know you’re supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven’t. Here are your reasons:
1. You’ve been busy.
2. You don’t have a history of cancer in your family.
3. You haven’t noticed any problems.
4. You don’t want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.
Let’s examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let’s not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ”behindular zone” gives you the creeping willies.
I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It’s much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor’s office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.
Frank Gormlie says
REally? A naked ass on the front page? Plus who knows what else ….
Anna Daniels says
Things have certainly changed since I was hosed 12 years ago. No intravenous drugs to relax me/knock me out. But I did get to watch the procedure on the big screen! Seriously! My first words were “Omagod is that what my a…. looks like?” And then the race was on toward the lower reaches of my small intestine, 40 yards of rubber hose later. The tech would say from time to time “looking good! looking good!” which made me wonder what her home cooked meals looked like. Despite being told that I had been a real trooper, I did not receive a lollypop. But I did get a clean bill of health. Priceless.
All I know is when I this procedure done for the first time I expect dinner and cocktales.