By Tom Hunter

I have just received a first draft of the Republican Platform for 2016.

1. All women of child bearing age must report to their doctor weekly for a vaginal probe ultrasound.  If the doctor is not on the list the probe must be held by an official of the Republican Party.  Every sperm is sacred and condom prices will be increased to $10 per unit.

2. Key portions of the Old Testament must be memorized or you will not be eligible to vote.

3. Guns must be carried about the body fully loaded and ready for action, or on the nightstand in the evening.

4.  People determined to be “having too much fun” will be sent away to be rehabilitated.

5.  Those wishing to get off the grid by not working for corporate America will not be eligible for unemployment or food stamps.  Those found helping these unfortunates will be severely disciplined.

6.  Political parties other than the Republicrat Party are hereby labeled terrorists and may be hunted down and killed.  Some voters may wish to be known as Dempublicans.

7.  All those founding fathers who considered themselves Deists are hereby baptized into the Christian religion, so that we can continue to pretend that America was founded as a Christian nation.  Jewish founding fathers will no longer be mentioned verbally or in print.

8.  The Library of Congress must be gone through with a fine tooth comb, to erase any dissent or unpleasantness that may be found in the historical record.

9.  Those wishing to teach critical thinking in our public schools or universities (oh wait, I think we’ve already put a stop to that).

10.  Illegal aliens are hereby ordered to disappear.  There will now be a bounty paid to anyone delivering an illegal to the Border Patrol.

11.  Since the wisdom of the Supreme  Court has resolved that Corporations are people (and, of course, the best kind of people), all Corporate taxes ever paid in the history of the country will be returned to those corporations, with interest.

12. Michele Bachmann, Sara Palin, and Ann Coulter are hereby designated as national treasures and will be kept at the Smithsonian Institution demonstrating Japanese pottery techniques.

13.   Thirteen is officially recognized as unlucky.

14.  Every sperm and every egg are to be given a social security number and the right to vote.  Those spilling their seed upon the ground will be turned into pillars of salt or some other biblical punishment of equivalent severity.

15. The capital of these United States will be moved from Washington D.C. to Dallas, Texas in honor of the way things ought to be.  Then it will no longer be said that Washington is out of touch with the people, as it will quickly revert to the swamp that it always was.  Texas will determine the text books for all schools, colleges and universities in the country and these will gradually be phased out due to the necessary simplification process.

16.  San Francisco will be designated as a testing ground by the military for all of the latest weapons of mass destruction.

17.  ” Badges?  We don’t need no stinking badges!”

18.  Women will be strongly encouraged to stay home with the children and make them a nice sandwich.  It would be thought that women with PhD’s would make the best kind of sandwiches.

19.  The Criminal Industrial Complex will be turned over to for profit Universities, who have the most theories about dealing with this element.  They will be given all the profits from all of the various Cops TV shows past, present and future.

20.  Twenty will be saved for a future surprise.

21.  The office of Representative Darrell Issa has been in touch with the Vatican to put out feelers for the GOP to see how much it might cost for the rights to the Inquisition.  They have been referred to the Monty Python division of the BBC.

22.  The GOP is interested in renaming the Military, Industrial Complex as the St. Francis Benevolent Society and Marching Band.  “It’s only words and words are all I have to take your heart away.”

23.  Darrelll Issa has personally made inquiries to the Pentagon to see if certain members of Congress might be able to operate their own personal drones.  He stipulated that the drones must be manufactured in his Congressional district.

24.  The Bank of America division of the GOP has made a plea that children’s washable sidewalk chalk would require background checks and a permit to purchase.  Anyone caught doodling with or without a permit concerning the First Amendment would be deported.

25.  The GOP has appealed to Hollywood to find them a time machine rental so they might turn back the clock.