Jan Goldsmith’s Wig His Secret Sex Lure
The wig of Jan Goldsmith, City Attorney, is seeded with male sex pheromones, according to three of his attorneys who cannot be named.
Each of them says that in separate meetings alone with the city attorney in his office they found Goldsmith irresistible after he began combing the hairpiece or ruffling it with his fingers.
“It is possible to infuse human hair with provocative pheromones,” said UCSD’s Dr. Andrew Lecithini, of the school’s chemistry department, “but it tends also to severely straighten the hair, causing it to lay down and stray, which may counteract the attractive function of the pheromones.”
As well, Lecithini said, sex pheromones tend to impart to wig hair “a red-brown color some find unnatural.”
One described the experience with Goldsmith as “strange; boring and yet I couldn’t keep my hands off the hairpiece.” She said she found that after the meeting her hand was attracting other women and that she felt that her own life had been take from her.
Two of the three deputy city attorneys promised to identify themselves in subsequent press conferences.
“Would you believe it? Todd Gloria is not gay.”
Dist. 3 City Council Representative and President of the Council “is as straight as Escondido,” said a woman who requested anonymity because she is a prostitute.
“Oh, he’ll protest, but all the girls out here (Westfield Plaza Bonita mall) know him,” said the woman, 24, who works the parking lot near Corporal Punishment, a camouflage and sex tools shop.
An unidentified political scientist from Ashford University said he had heard for years that Gloria is not homosexual but only pretended to be “so that he could get elected to the council from Dist. 3, which I should think might just add impetus to that recall movement. ”
Augustine, the mono-named leader of More of Everything, said (s)he was glad to hear that Gloria was outed. “I can’t stand that male balding pattern on his dome, it’s a dead giveaway.”
A person close to Gloria denied reports that the council member was thinking of moving out of Dist. 3 to Dist. 6, where he would have to run against the incumbent and known heterosexual Lori Zapf. The district includes the Marine Corps’ Miramar Air Station and Kearney Mesas’ car dealerships, both of which suggest a more heterosexual population, but he said “all options are on the table.”
… More late
More later on Sheriff Bill Gore found masturbating to sex hotline tapes, and Three local weather hotties agree to join Ultra Fem Wrestling Conference.
Editor: Did you see the term “satire” at front of this post?
Ernie McCray says
Clever. Love this piece.
Tom Hunter says
Oh Todd Gloria was gay, but he got some pheromones on his shirt and it was all over. Spending all that time with the City Attorney has turned him as well as three or four lesbians that were walking downwind. Destroy this message so the guilty can go free.