By Lauree Benton
If you dress too conservatively, you are a prude. But if you try to dress for your body, you are a slut. And there’s a good chance, either way you will be molested or raped.
If you are a stay at home mom, you are lazy. If you are a career woman with no kids, you are selfish. If you have both a career and a family, you are short changing everyone involved.
If you breast feed, you are disgusting! Keep those things to yourself. Never mind that your child needs to eat. But if you don’t, you are filling your child with poison. Why would you use formula? You must be a horrible mother. Everyone knows “breast is best.”
If you are large, you are fat and gross. Go to the gym. If you are small, you are anorexic. Go eat a cheeseburger.
If you are educated, you are intimidating. Tone it down a bit. If you are uneducated, you are a bimbo. Do you even read?
If you talk too much, you are pushy. Let someone else get a word in. If you talk too little, you obviously have nothing to add to the conversation. And really, there is no middle ground.
If you make your own money, you are pushing men away. If you don’t, you obviously only care about their money. Gold digger.
If you wear a lot of makeup and take the time to do your hair, you are insecure. You are hiding something. You are high maintenance. We all know your “type.” If you don’t bother with makeup, or know how to straighten your hair, you are ugly. Put some effort in, why don’t you?
If you make your opinions known, you’re a bitch. If you won’t, you’re a pushover.
If you want to serve your country on the front lines, you’re just doing it to be difficult. Don’t you know you’ll distract the men? If you have no interest in military service, then you shouldn’t complain about a woman’s place in our society. Men make the sacrifices, they should also make the rules.
If you assert yourself, you’re too aggressive. If you don’t, you’re too nice. Either way, no one will respect you.
If you’re flat chested, you’ll never attract a man. You should probably get implants. Thank you, science! If you’re well endowed, you’re asking for it. But don’t you dare get a reduction. Why would you want to get rid of what God gave you?
If you’re straight, it’s because you need a man to take care of you. If you’re a lesbian, it’s because you hate men. If you’re bisexual, it’s because you’re greedy. And if you’re trans, it’s because you’re a freak.
If you get paid a lot, you probably slept your way to the top. If you don’t, you didn’t work hard enough. Never mind your 50 hour work weeks and the fact you haven’t had a vacation in eight years.
If you wear a skirt, you are unprofessional. Look at those legs! If you wear a pants suit, you are trying to be a man. I mean, you could at least pretend to be a girl now and then.
If you’re an athlete, that’s adorable. No one cares about girls sports anyway. If you aren’t an athlete, it’s because women weren’t built to be tough.
If you cry, you are weak. If you don’t, you are heartless.
If you are classically feminine, you are holding women and society back. If you are modern/androgynous, you are ruining the traditions that make our society function.
If you can cook, you are so “domestic.” Like a house cat. You probably also vacuum while wearing heels. If you don’t, no one will ever love you. What kind of woman doesn’t cook?
If you’re right, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Funny how a woman’s idea can go unnoticed until a man takes it as his own. But if you are wrong, no one will ignore that. You are the reason women shouldn’t be at the table. Silly girl.
If you are a woman, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Micaela Porte says
Damn the torpedoes, Full speed ahead!
Anna Daniels says
But wait, wait–there’s more! This only applies to young women. An older woman (is that over 40? or is 30 the new 40?) becomes at best ” a woman of a certain age.” She can age gracefully (poor dear) or rage against the dying of the light. If she happens to be the latter- say Kim Novak at the Oscars, “…the next day, you wake up to a bunch of cheap goddamn shots about your face.”
Lauree Benton says
Anna, you are so right. I wish I had thought to add something from the perspective of older women. Though I also don’t want to be disingenuous. I may be too young to really get it. But the double standard for aging between men and women is an obvious injustice that the cosmetic industry profits from every minute of every day.
Right on! There’s no right way to be a human being. Down with femininity and masculinity!