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Traumatized

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The first time I was accused of being a privileged white woman,
I was defensive.
I tried to explain all of the non-privileged experiences
I’ve endure in my life,
despite the fact that I am white.
But my accuser wasn’t buying any of it.
She doubled down on her angry outbursts.

The second time I was accused of being a privileged white woman,
I was resentful.
Because as a woman, I too have suffered injustice
just for not being born a man.
And back in the 70’s,
when the civil rights movement was going full blast
we feminists were asked to stand back
and not steal the thunder
from the cause of justice for blacks.

The next time I was accused of being a privileged white woman,
I was perplexed,
because you keep attacking the very people who are trying to do right.
And I can’t change the fact that I’m white.
So if I agree that black lives matter,
why are you telling me
my cries for justice don’t count?

And then, you said it again,
and I finally started to get it,
because this behavior was beginning to look familiar –
It’s what happens when I try to help homeless women.
They attack me.
Fasely accuse me of this and that.
And it hurt until I realized
they were hurting more than I was
– more than they could ever hurt me.
It’s just the way someone acts
when they’re suffering with PTSD.

And I finally understood,
that those same symptoms of trauma
are being manifested by so many who’ve been
beaten down because they are black
beaten down because they are women
beaten down because they are poor
Beaten down
Beaten down
into the ground beaten down
Traumatized!
By people who look like me.

My skin is the trigger
that ignites all of that pain.
It’s not my fault.
It’s just what is.

For me,
this is a cause I can step up to,
and go home.
For you,
it is a lifetime sentence.
And when you’re feeling that impotent,
When you’re feeling that hopeless,
When you’re feeling that powerless,
When you’re feeling that traumatized,
You have to finally,
finally,
f-i-n-a-l-l-y
fight back.

And you start with the ones who open the door,
Who give you the floor,
Who won’t call the cops.
You start with the ones you know
won’t hit you back.

The next time I’m accused of being a privileged white woman
I’m going to try to let down my pride.
Say, “Yes,
you are most likely right.
I’ve had it easier than you,
just because I’m white.
And I’m glad you found the courage
to stand proud,
to take the mic,
to hold your ground.”

I know this is going to be a long hard fight
I’ve got your back.
I don’t know what else to say
except I hope someday
I’ll earn your trust,
because
if we can’t stand shoulder to shoulder
there won’t be justice
for any of us.

Jeeni Criscenzo

Jeeni Criscenzo

Jeeni Criscenzo founded Amikas, a non-profit that works to house homeless women and children, particularly veteran women. She was one of the founders of Women Occupy San Diego and remains active in supporting many liberal causes, locally and nationally. In 2006 she was the Democratic candidate for the 49th Congressional District, running against Darrell Issa. In 2016 she was named Women's History Month Local Hero by the Women's Museum of California. She is an avid gardener, relentless feminist, performance poet, proud grandmother and now, this…
Jeeni Criscenzo

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Comments

  2. Dear Jeeni

    I am glad you said it! Was reading up on Eckart Tolle ” A New Earth”, basically just paging through, and ran into what he says about ” pain bodies” which seemed to make a lot of sense to me. I believe I gave you and Juan that book that lovely evening at your home, which all it lacked was more time! Or maybe not! Perhaps it is best to be left wanting a little bit more, of a dish, a conversation, of a nice friendship! It was a beautiful evening!

    I look forward to joining you Saturday, although it is a busy day for me in general.
    Will Google how to get there!

    Receive a hug for you and Juan!

    Lilia Gracia Castro

  3. Dear Jeeni

    Please just verify if you got what I wrote out to you? Email, or on the cel?

    Gracias!

    Lilia

  7. You can all hear it live this Saturday (and hear Savina Martin, Sylvia Cameron Telafaro and Linda Read too) 7:30 PM at Grassroots Oasis,3130 Moore St. San Diego, CA 92110

  8. You forgot to say “when you are Brown or a Jew! I never thought of you as a white women Jenni, I just thought of you!
    Love you,
    Adrienne

  9. So you’re saying its okay for people to hate you, to persecute you, to blame you for all the injustices that happened to them…
    Merely because of the color of your skin. Whether you had anything to do with any of it or not.
    This is very confusing to me. I thought the end goal here was a colorblind society.

    • John,

      None of us are colorblind, any more than we are gender blind or parent blind or age blind or wealth blind or religion blind or rank blind (military, job, etc.).

      Denying the existence of racism is racist. Denying the existence of white privilege is racist. I can do things and go places and get favorable treatment that minorities can’t, simply because my skin lacks pigment. I don’t choose this, it just happens. Colorblind denies reality. Colorblind is a lie which perpetuates racism.

      Colorblind denies who people are and what their experiences have been. Colorblind denies people’s identities and their culture.

      People who claim to be colorblind, or want to be colorblind, don’t get it. Colorblind is a pretend reality, or a goal, for continuing our society’s normal, which is racist.

      It’s called institutional racism, and we are all participants, like it or not. It is more powerful than any individual or group.

      • Feeling defensive toward someone who hates you for the color of your skin without knowing anything else about you (even if the did experience racism) is not racist in an of itself and I have a hard time believing you or anyone else really believe that.

      • I agree that us being a colorblind society is a farce but isn’t that the ultimate goal?

        • I’ve never felt that anyone hates me for the color of my skin. I sympathize with the frustration that victims of racism must feel, and I don’t take their frustration personally.

          I would hate to live in a colorblind society, because we are all different. To me, being colorblind is equivalent to being gender blind or parent blind or age blind or wealth blind or religion blind or rank blind (military, job, etc.). I don’t treat people the same, but treating people differently does not mean being disrespectful.

          Multiculturalism is gift. Viva la difference!

          • I’ve never felt anyone hates me for my skin color either. In face not white person I personally know ever told me they experienced that either. If anyone ever has hated me for that reason I never knew about it. That being said, just because I never experienced that doesn’t mean others haven’t.

            I think when most people say “colorblind” society they mean a society where no one will be discriminated for their ethnicity or color of their skin. It will be neither a hindrance nor an advantage in getting a job or a promotion, or that it will a factor in how their treated by the police. Thanks like that. They don’t mean complete non acknowledgment of other races and cultures. At least that’s how I interoperate it. I live in a multi cultural neighborhood also and wouldn’t have it any other way.

          • God I need to read my writing first.
            “I’ve never felt anyone hates me for my skin color either. In face not white person I personally know ever told me they experienced that either. ”

            I’ve never felt anyone hates me for my skin color either. In fact no white person I personally know ever told me they experienced that either.

  10. The end goal John is that we have a respectful, compassionate society. You might very-well be colorblind but the vast majority of people are not. And until we establish that reality we can never change it. Adrienne, there is no limit to the ways humans have differentiated one another to form pecking orders and I believe most humans are tired of it.

    The ongoing injustice toward black people in this country is insidious and horrendous and cannot be changed until we acknowledge it. By saying Black Lives Matter we are not diminishing the fact that all lives matter, we are simply calling attention to an injustice that has been swept under the carpet by those of us who think we are not participating in it. But by declaring that we personally are not guilty of racism, or that we should be including all other groups who are suffering injustice in the BLM movement, we are watering down their message and we have no right to do it. It would be like showing up at a living wage rally with a banner saying free the whales.

    Do we need to address all of the other manifestations of injustice happening? Of course. But we owe it to our black brothers and sisters to acknowledge the persistent, horrendous cruelty that is being perpetuated against them every day and to stand with them, in humility, in their fight to end it. We can’t do it for them, or tell them how to do it – that is patronizing and disrespectful. But at the very LEAST we must acknowledge that no matter what challenges we have faced in life, we have not had to face them as blacks, and that made overcoming those challenges easier in ways we that might not have even be aware of. And by doing that, we give credibility to their outrage, we acknowledge that in our society black lives have mattered less than whites and we agree to support them in the fight to change that.

  11. Jeeni,

    I celebrate the heart and the mindfulness that went into this poem.

    Your participation at the Activist San Diego, & Black and Brown Lives Matter forum was profound.

    I had seen you suffer on this before, and I feel like you are liberated now, free to soar.

    It is hard to know what to say to folks who want to jump to a colorblind society without out coming to terms with their own blindness to the depth of the experience of others — with out coming to terms with the baggage that every person in US society carries as the legacy of slavery and indigenous genocide that lingers in the shadows, then when least expected jumps out and mugs us… awakening many.

    We can not be color blind till we are deeply touched in becoming color aware.

    Only some in society are allowed to forget the color line.

    thanks Jeeni.

    Martin

  12. Hey Jeeni…

    Thanks for this.

    I have some thoughts, but I hesitate to post them here.

    May I share them with you privately?

    I think you have my info.

  13. I was merely pointing out that your position condones yet another form of racism and isn’t likely to bring progress to the situation. I am white but grew up in post civil rights era SF Bay area and have never had any role in denying a black person opportunities in education housing or employment. Black children lived next to me sat next to me in class and their fathers made the same as mine at their blue collar jobs. While I know this was hardly the case in the south you imply blacks would be justified in lumping me in with those who did all that to them in such regions merely because of the skin I was born in. Judging anyone by the color of their skin and not their individual actions is racist and wrong is it not? Yet that is exactly what you are promoting whether it is my guilt or the victimization of blacks and their resentment for it I don’t feel it ultimately is progressive.
    Finally on the latter there is little more guarantee to mediocrity than an excuse for it. You are also telling blacks there is a permanent and immovable barrier to their own success due to their skin color.

    • Whether or not I “justify” it, the experience of being black in our country has defined you as the “other”. By the very fact that you are white you have had an easier lot of it than if you were black. All anyone is asking you to do it acknowledge that reality. No racism will transpire by you do. No judgement of you will occur. You are not admitting guilt to anything. I fully understand your need to clarify that you have not personally participated in racism. But racism exists. How can we change that if people like you, who are not racists, are not willing to admit that something needs to be changed? In no way am I saying there is a permanent, immovable barrier to their success. I am saying there IS a barrier to their success that I am willing to help them remove, permanently!

      • The issue here is inherent bias..those that have it don’t realize it and those that do realize it, try to change things for the betterment of human kind. Keep up the great work, J. ♥

  14. Your black neighbor’s dad probably made 25%-30% less than your dad, if they had they same job. That doesn’t make your dad a racist, but it might make a reasonable black coworker resent him for it, even if he knew it was not your dad’s fault.

    http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0882775.html
    http://freakonomics.com/2011/10/06/explaining-the-black-white-wage-gap/
    http://money.cnn.com/2010/07/30/news/economy/black_pay_gap_persists/
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racial_wage_gap_in_the_United_States
    https://hbr.org/2014/06/does-race-or-gender-matter-more-to-your-paycheck/

    “I am white…and have never had any role in denying a black person opportunities in education housing or employment.”

    No offense, but yes, you have. We all have, because we are white. See example above. Not our fault, or our intent. This is why institutional racism is insidious.

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