By Bob Dorn
What’s wrong with Bob?
It’s a question I ask myself almost every day, usually after reading the news.
For the last 100 years* it’s been the third most popular name in America (if you’re including Robert), yet we’ve had no President Bobs. Not one.
We’ve had six James’s (the most popular name in the U.S.) and five Johns (the second most popular) elected president even though there’ve only been 50, 717 more Johns than Roberts born in this country over those 100 years. Bobs are solidly in third place in this country but we haven’t sent a single Bob to the White House.
I can’t speak for all the Bobs in America — there may even be some really disgusting and evil people named Bob — but have you ever seen someone point at me, for an example, and say, “That Bob, he’s a real asshole.”? And I’ll just go ahead and ask you this: When you hear the name Bob does asshole come to mind?
I didn’t think so.
Us Bobs are getting screwed. But, why?
One of the big buzz phrases you hear these days from the people who make their livings talking about politics is “identity politics.” Identity politics is separating us all, they’ll say. Or, identity politics is robbing us of the bigger picture. But what is “identity politics?”
The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy calls it a “laden phrase “ that “has come to signify a wide range of political activity and theorizing founded in the shared experiences of injustice of members of certain social groups.” Aha! Stanford is on to something.
Elsewhere, at its page on “identity politics,” Wikipedia warns us that “the neutrality of this article is disputed” but then it plunges ahead to say that “Examples include social organizations based on race, class, gender, gender identity, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation, religion, culture, language, and dialect.” How come they don’t mention Christianity, and White People, instead of all this religion and ethnicity stuff, huh? I guess religion and ethnicity is what counts more.
And what about the other big category of people who’ve been excluded? If they’d been serious about people who’ve suffered injustice they’d have mentioned me… or, well, Bobs in general.
The closest we’ve come to a presidential candidate who understands the injustice of what is being done to Bob is Donald Trump. He says he’s a man of the people, and I believe him because I’m one of the people he’s talking about. That’s right, me.
You all are forgetting what Bob does for this country. Are you forgetting that I never shoplift and always try to joke around with the cashiers in stores to make their days a little less tedious? And by the way, MY jokes are funny. The cashiers that don’t laugh just don’t get the joke; I hold nothing against them, of course.
But, let’s stick with the subject, which is ME. I’m tired of hearing about all the rest of you. What about me? Huh?
Some people are getting away with drawing a distinction between The Takers and The Makers. Well cut me out of that equation, or meme, or whatever you call it. I’m a Maker. I used to make a very very good lasagna. Once I even tried to make my own sandals. My father started to give me advice and I just looked up at him and asked him, “How many pairs of sandals have you made?” That shut him up.
I gave them away. I don’t know to whom because I just put them out by the trash cans and they disappeared in three days. Some Taker took them.
If I ever have a son, I’m going to change my last name to Bob, so I can name the kid Just Plain. It’s a great name for a politician, Just Plain Bob. That’ll get him a House seat for sure. And who knows, maybe after a few years he’ll be a movement all by himself, standing in front of an oversized Stars and Stripes and promising you that you can trust Just Plain Bob, Because He’s Not Part of any Movement, He Doesn’t Believe Anything.
*Top Names Over the Last 100 Years
| Popular names for births in 1916-2015 | ||||
| Males | Females | |||
| Rank | Name | Number | Name | Number |
| 1 | James | 4,836,379 | Mary | 3,514,032 |
| 2 | John | 4,676,131 | Patricia | 1,565,942 |
| 3 | Robert | 4,626,414 | Jennifer | 1,463,714 |
| 4 | ||||
Bob Dorn
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Bobs have certainly gotten a raw deal over the years. But what about Johns? It’s a name also associated with a toilet. And Dick? Part of the male anatomy. At least there’s no such thing as a Bob, some disparaging thing like trash as in “Take out the Bob!”
John, I feel your pain.
True but you can bob for apples.
Show of hands for Bob Dole voters?
Dave! Bob Dole was never President. Today, he’d make it in a walk. It ain’t right. You see him at the Republican Convention? Did he look good, or what?
The next Presidential name will be Hillary