Leonard Eiger / The Loose Nukes

In the greatest White House personnel shakeup in history, Uncle Sam gave notice that he is retiring.

Sam, who has been on the job since 1813, said that he has finally had enough, saying, “I’m tired of being the spokesman for warmongering, racist, oil-hungry scum!”

In an unprecedented and surprise appearance before The White House Press Corps this morning, Sam appeared visibly shaken by recent events. He ranted for ten minutes about what has happened to our country and “what a damn mess Trump has made of it.”

He also referred to Friday’s missile strikes against Syria as “the last straw.” The Congress has become a complete joke; they’ve handed the President a blank check for war and just about anything else he wants. And don’t get me started on Bolton!”

“I really thought I was doing right by the American people over the past 200-plus years, but I can see clearly now that I have been used time and time again as a pawn for these lowlifes who have insidiously taken over our nation. While we have been sold a bill of goods about outside threats like communism and terrorists, we’ve been taken over by a bunch of greedy wolves who are getting rich off the sweat of hardworking American taxpayers. And that’s just so wrong.”

Sam nearly began to cry when asked about his iconic “I want you” posters that have been responsible for countless young Americans joining the military. After regaining his composure he said, “I sincerely regret luring so many of our young people to fight in U.S. wars of aggression. Retired Marine Corps General Smedley Butler got it right when he said that “War Is A Racket.” And it certainly is a profitable one for the Military-Industrial Complex. Damn, I wish I had listened to Eisenhower back in the day. We could have saved so many young people from needless death and suffering, not to mention the carnage and ill will we’ve created overseas.

Sam lamented how he wished he had the energy to get out in the streets and protest with the people, but said that “After a couple centuries you just loose steam.”

When asked where he is going upon his retirement, Sam replied, “Where the hell can you go. No place is out of reach of U.S. military power or its nuclear weapons. I’m thinking of taking my savings and buying a time-share in an RV park doomsday shelter. That seems like the best investment these days. I am so glad I bought that Armageddon 2000 travel trailer before they sold out. I will head out on the open road after completing some well-deserved psychotherapy to work on my recently diagnosed PTSD. ”

Leonard Eiger is a campaigner for a nuclear-free world and the communications coordinator for Ground Zero Center for Nonviolent Action (gzcenter.org). He blogs incessantly and, to avoid the cost of psychotherapy, occasionally vents his rage against the system at The Loose Nukes.