You’d think Trump would have one of the very best, most excellent dogs in the world, maybe one of those Afghans with hair like his own. Because dogs, unlike FBI directors, are known to be among the most loyal and subservient of animals.
Or … that he’d be attracted to pitbulls because everyone is afraid of them.
It remains a mystery, though, because POTUS doesn’t allow cameras in his living quarters, where all the cosmetic stuff is, along with the jacuzzi and his collection of golf balls from The Rich and Famous. Not even Breitbart News and FOX have stories on the subject of a missing White House dog.
So, we can’t even know why he doesn’t have a dog.
Well … for what it’s worth, the latest news I could find was from January 2017 last year when a Florida woman named Lois Pope pointed out to the Mad King that he “needed a First Dog.” She located a Goldendoodle for him. Later, after considerable delays in the transfer, she says she fell in love with the dog and — just like its intended owner has so often done — she withdrew her offer.
But, revealingly, Trump is quoted in the same article as saying, “I can’t take the dog. Look at what I do. I’m here, I’m in New York, I’m in Washington. What am I going to do with the dog?”
Oh, puh-leeeze, there’s an army of fundamentalists, patriots, and fighting dog owners out there who’d happily volunteer to care for the animal, so long as they’d be provided enough Bud Lite and a chance at a love affair with a presidential aide. The Mad King at the very least knows he wouldn’t have to do anything to care for the dog.
My guess is, if he really wanted the dog for his 10-year-old son, Barron — whom other articles say would really be more active and lively if he had the dog — he could have found another one, equally coy and as sweet-hearted as the Goldendoodle Pope found she couldn’t bear to part with.
If you’ll excuse the lapse in my journalistic instincts, let me speculate on some other reasons this Mad King of ours doesn’t want a White House Dog.
First of all, they don’t speak his language. Oh, they can bark like POTUS, but they don’t understand his huge vocabulary. If he were to say, “Go fetch me a meatloaf sandwich,” the dog really wouldn’t likely know what POTUS meant for them to do.
Another reason: the dog would keep sniffing The Mad King’s culo, trying to distinguish it from a balloon or some other sort of gasbag.
They’re always begging for food. POTUS couldn’t trust they wouldn’t raid the kitchen while he was called away to an important meeting. Also, being a conservative, he’s wary of spending the public’s money on White House dog handlers.
Dogs are not allowed on golf courses. And Congress is not likely to pass a Civil Rights or equal access amendment for dogs, although the Supreme Court’s new majority is rumored to be friendly to a national security clause being considered by the Republicans establishing that a POTUS like this one (…”unstable, unhappy and given to suspicion,” the language reads) requires a service dog on the golf course.
His son, Barron, wants one. Given that kids are known to be kids, this is also a plausible factlet, or factoid. It may well be that, because his son is said to want a dog POTUS will, just to keep in practice, deny Barron the pleasure. The Mad King is, after all, a bully and likes to see others suffer.
Another reason: the dog might wag its tail and jump up to slather its tongue over POTUS’ mistresses when they show up at the White House. And POTUS can never be sure when Melania will be there to see that.
Save for that last possible explanation, none of this is really convincing. For one thing, dogs are eminently trainable. (Or chainable, which POTUS also would enjoy.) Like members of Congress, who have a whole lot of constitutional duties, dogs can pretty much get used to any limitation on their responsibilities, so long as they have enough to eat.
NEXT: why he doesn’t like cats. One hint: they’re too independent.