By Bob Dorn
(Inspired by The Devil’s Dictionary, which Wikipedia says is “a satirical dictionary written by American journalist and author Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in 1906 as The Cynic’s Word Book, it features Bierce’s witty and often ironic spin on many common English words.”)
Three of the definitions here were written by Ambrose Bierce. Can you guess which ones?
Avarice. Religion for narcissists, and the disillusioned.
Apocalyptus The last tree.
Apocalyptician Elected, by god.
Apocalypso Natty Dread
Affluent a condition limited to Republicans
Bastard a Republican whose mother disagrees with him
Centertainment. American Idol. NCIS. Rock n’ Roll Coverbands. Facebook. Democratic convention rhetoric.
Condominimal My place
Computerror Nerds take over
Desperate. A Republican on the California Coast. A Democrat living anywhere else.
Deftinition A coinage that proves helpful in explaining new social phenomena
Dysfengshui Design that ignores function
Drunkometer Device worn at elbow that measures number of times arm is bent
Elephantism. The belief that the bigger the corporation the better.
#Finance Fraud. Finagle.
# Gasoline (see above entry)
Halffluent (pron.: h-affluent): 1, The Middle Class; 2, Democrats
Hipocrat North Park condo dweller
Hiphopcracy rich poets
Hidiocy Cable television
Impresso A trendy coffee house
Jealousy The seamy side of love
Kleptomaniac A rich thief
La Jolla Where the Democratic club is progressive and
the Democratic council member is not.
Missing Valley formerly, Mission Valley
Oregonads The Bundy boys
Oma Lisa Buddhist god
Palindrone One who speaks like her
Residensity East Village
Spagoda Asian jacuzzi shelter
Sillycons Powerful nerds
Toyota Toto A car model name (others include Lexus Sexist, Ford FU150, Cadillac Excessive, etc. etc.)
# Ugh Sound made while watching the news
Vampirates New Broadway musical
# Wuss. I don’t know what this means
# no important words start with X, excepting xylophone
Year A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments
# Zebra 1. Costume worn by horses in old jungle films 2. Football officials, unofficially
# I’m not proud of any of the entries marked with this whatever-it’s-called; the definitions that follow these alphabetical entries are desperate last minute inventions and readers are encouraged to offer their own deftinitions.
%@&*#!!! – The damned editor picked out the graphics. It’s not my fault.