By Bob Dorn
(Inspired by The Devil’s Dictionary, which Wikipedia says is “a satirical dictionary written by American journalist and author Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in 1906 as The Cynic’s Word Book, it features Bierce’s witty and often ironic spin on many common English words.”)
Three of the definitions here were written by Ambrose Bierce. Can you guess which ones?
A
Avarice. Religion for narcissists, and the disillusioned.
Apocalyptus The last tree.
Apocalyptician Elected, by god.
Apocalypso Natty Dread
Apocalips Botoxed
Affluent a condition limited to Republicans
B 
Bastard a Republican whose mother disagrees with him
C 
Centertainment. American Idol. NCIS. Rock n’ Roll Coverbands. Facebook. Democratic convention rhetoric.
Condominimal My place
Computerror Nerds take over
D 
Desperate. A Republican on the California Coast. A Democrat living anywhere else.
Deftinition A coinage that proves helpful in explaining new social phenomena
Dysfengshui Design that ignores function
Drunkometer Device worn at elbow that measures number of times arm is bent
E 
Elephantism. The belief that the bigger the corporation the better.
F 
#Finance Fraud. Finagle.
G 
# Gasoline (see above entry)
H 
Halffluent (pron.: h-affluent): 1, The Middle Class; 2, Democrats
Hipocrat North Park condo dweller
Hiphopcracy rich poets
Hidiocy Cable television
I 
Impresso A trendy coffee house
J 
Jealousy The seamy side of love
K 
Kleptomaniac A rich thief
L 
La Jolla Where the Democratic club is progressive and
the Democratic council member is not.
M 
Mediate rule
Missing Valley formerly, Mission Valley
N 
Nerd obsolete
O 
Oregonads The Bundy boys
Oma Lisa Buddhist god
Q 
P 
Palindrone One who speaks like her
R 
Residensity East Village
S 
Spagoda Asian jacuzzi shelter
Sillycons Powerful nerds
T 
Toyota Toto A car model name (others include Lexus Sexist, Ford FU150, Cadillac Excessive, etc. etc.)
U 
# Ugh Sound made while watching the news
V 
Vampirates New Broadway musical
W 
# Wuss. I don’t know what this means
X 
# no important words start with X, excepting xylophone
Y 
Year A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments
Z 
# Zebra 1. Costume worn by horses in old jungle films 2. Football officials, unofficially
________________________________________________________________________________
# I’m not proud of any of the entries marked with this whatever-it’s-called; the definitions that follow these alphabetical entries are desperate last minute inventions and readers are encouraged to offer their own deftinitions.
%@&*#!!! – The damned editor picked out the graphics. It’s not my fault.
Bob Dorn
Latest posts by Bob Dorn (see all)
- The Old Man and the City - December 5, 2018
- The Ups and The Downs | My Reporter’s Life, Part Three - October 17, 2018
- Some Big Developments | My Reporter’s Life, Part Two - October 16, 2018
I’ve never laughed so hard in the last 5 years. No make that 10. What sin-ergy! The best writing since the episodic nuances of that husband and wife team – Gerry and Sally Mander!
How clever and enjoyable…Bob Dorn must be a “Wordsmith” and a skillful writer!!
I’ve loved “The Devil’s Dictionary” ever since I first found it 50(!) years ago. I think Jealousy and Year are from Bierce. Many of the others are great; thanks, Mr. Dorn.
Good memory Michael-Leonard. You found two of Bierce’s words– one more to go!
Very topical and witty–must have been so fun to come up with these. Imagine you will continue to find new words/meanings now that you have this momentum. Keep ’em coming!