By John Lawrence
Donald Trump is finally reaching out to the readers of the San Diego Free Press in an attempt to cover all the bases and pick up Bernie Sanders voters. After all, they agree on many issues including fair trade rather than free trade. They both want to bring those jobs home. Here is what he had to say:
Hi true Americans. It’s the Donald here. I’m gonna make America great again. We’re going to have the strongest military and NATO is going to pay for it. That’s right. We’ve been giving them free protection for years so they can sit around in their bistros drinking lattes and eating gelato. They can whoop it up in their biergartens while we sit here paying a trillion dollars a year to protect them. From whom? From Russia? Give me a break.
Putin’s not such a bad guy. He whipped them into shape in Syria in 6 months while ditherin’ Obama was giving millions to anybody who labeled himself a “freedom fighter.” What did they do? After they got the money, they put it in Panama and then became refugees. Putin’s out to make Russia great again just like I’m gonna make America great again. You can’t blame him for that.
I understand the President of Mexico objects to paying for the wall that I’m going to build down there. I’m going to build a wall so high that any Mexican who tries to climb over it is going to get a nose bleed. And don’t think they’re going to tunnel under it either. We’re going to sink the foundation so low that El Chapo is going to have to get permission from China for his drug tunnels.
If the President of Mexico comes to one of my rallies and says, “I’m not paying for any friggin wall,” you know what I’ll say? Get him outta here. Get him outta here. And don’t bang his ass on the door on the way out. Be kind and gentle. Don’t hurt him.
I can be Presidential. You don’t think I can be Presidential? How’s this? Me and Ivanka went to see Hamilton last night. That’s right, folks. Everybody should go see it. It’s American history. When I’m President every American school kid will see Hamilton. It’s the right thing to do. It’s Presidential. And you think I don’t like immigrants? Hamilton was an immigrant. So was Aaron Burr. And he was black too. I like the blacks. We were all immigrants once. But they just can’t come here willy nilly. There’s a process. They all have to go to Ellis Island first and get processed through like we did.
Ross Perot was right. The Clintons brought in NAFTA, CAFTA, LAFTA. Then there was a big sucking sound of all the jobs being blown overseas. They took all our good jobs. Bernie Sanders is right. We HAFTA get rid of NAFTA and bring all those good jobs home. Why should China and Vietnam make all the money exploiting their own workers? We can exploit them right here at home and make the money here. When I’m President, that’s exactly what we’ll do.
I know how to get things done, folks, and how to deal with people. I’m a very successful businessman. I’m a negotiator. How do you think I got rich? I know how to make a deal.
And as for Wall Street lovin’ Hillary Clinton, we know what she told Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein. I’ve seen the transcripts of her speeches. She won’t release them, but I’ve seen them. Jamie and Lloyd are friends of mine. Who do you think I talked to get my construction loan for Trump Tower? I said, “Jamie what did Hillary tell you?” He said, “No big. Hillary’s got our back. Fuhgeddaboutit.” Those are New York values, folks. Fuhgeddaboutit! You know what she told them?
She said they were fine Americans. They were doing yeoman duty. She thanked them for their service. It’s no mystery folks. Hillary loves Wall Street. She said that with just a few tweaks they could go on making all the money they wanted to. They were doing the world a Yuuuge favor, keeping the world’s financial system going. She said she’d do nothing to jeopardize Wall Street profits. In fact, she said that the business of America is Wall Street. They got a bad and unfair rap after the financial crisis, but she’d see to it that they’d never again be portrayed in such an unfavorable light.
And you think I don’t like women? I love women. Have you seen my wife? She’s a 10. I love beautiful women. All those young Miss Americas. I love them all. They’re all beautiful. Even Megyn Kelly. She’s not bad to look at, folks. I never said Megyn Kelly had blood coming out her hoo-hah. I said her whatever. But, hey folks, she’s right up there with the 8s and 9s. Not quite a 10, but not all women are. There’s a few dogs and fat pigs out there, but I’m not naming names except for Rosie O’Donnell.
So folks you see I am very Presidential. I’m the epitome of Presidentialness. You can’t get any more Presidential than me, folks. We’re going to make America great again. We’re going to make Japan and Europe pay for their own defense. No more free lunches for them when I’m President. And yes, we’re going to build the wall. It’ll put a million people back to work with good-paying jobs just to do that. That’s infrastructure, folks. Good paying jobs.
But as for the chairman of the RNC. Fuhgeddaboutit! The Republican establishment is rigged, folks. What kind of a name is Reince Priebus? I got news for you, Reinse – ya got schmutz on ya schmeckle ya schmuck. Ya need to do the Reinse cycle. Wash. Reince. Repeat. Wash. Reinse. Repeat.
“And good riddance to Lyin Ted and the rest of those losers. You want New York values? I’ll give you New York values. Fuhgeddaboutit. New York’s a helluva town. The Bronx are up. The Battery’s down. The people ride in a hole in the ground. New York, New York – a city so nice they had to name it twice. So if you insult New York, you’re gonna hafta deal with me. You wanna piece a me? You wanna piece a me? Fuhgeddaboutit!”
In the general election, I’m gonna pillory Hillary. Hillary Dillary Dock. I’m gonna clean your clock. A little rap music if you please. Those are New York values, Hillary. Deal with it. Fuhgeddaboutit!