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Readers Write: A Halloween Horror Story

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By Matt Valenti

I trust, Dear Reader, that you will forgive me if the tale I am about to repeat frightens you more than it ought, but this is a tale that insists upon being told.

Though I had good reason to doubt the veracity of the story when first I heard it, nevertheless, it has left me with a sensation of nagging anxiety that, like a perverted old roommate from college who has overstayed his welcome on your sofa bed, simply won’t go away.

Therefore, I beg of you, by all means keep this story well hidden away from the eyes and ears of the more impressionable and naïve among us in this fair city of San Diego—including small children, foreign tourists, and members of the city council.   [Read more…]

Does the Pope Smoke Dope?

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By the Ol’ OB Hippie

Does the Pope smoke dope? Does Pope Francis imbibe in the inhalation of medicinal cannabis?

No, really – I wanted to know if the Pope smoked dope. I have heard rumors to that effect – for years actually. And I wanted to find out.

I knew he was coming to the U.S., so I had to figure out a way to meet up with him.   [Read more…]

Upgrading the U.S. Constitution: Guns for Everyone!

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By John Lawrence

It has come to my attention that some of my conservative friends think that the American Constitution was chiseled in stone. Well, no, actually unlike the Ten Commandments which were written in stone, the American Constitution was written on parchment. I have a lot of respect for the Founding Fathers who came up with this document based on the best Enlightenment thinking at the time with the help of French philosophes such as Montesquieu who believed in the separation of powers and checks and balances. Unfortunately, the Founders didn’t heed the advice of the Marquis de Condorcet who came up with a better voting system than majority rule.

Condorcet and my other friends, Voltaire and Rousseau are entombed in the basement of the Pantheon in Paris where I visited them a while back and thanked them for their efforts in getting the fledgling United States off the ground. But speaking of being “written in stone”, did God really hand Moses two tablets or did Moses have a little workshop up on the mountaintop where he meticulously chiseled out the Ten Commandments?

If Moses had handed them out on a piece of paper to his constituents, they would have laughed in his face so he had to make them believe that they were inviolable because they came directly from a Higher Power.   [Read more…]

The Stupid Things People Do

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When not a problem, pal is a problem

By Bob Dorn

I’m afraid we have to give up on arguing with fascists.

We’ve got grown men in expensive suits, some of them Republican presidential candidates, willing to say in public that Obama’s deal with Iran on nuclear arms is worse than Neville Chamberlain’s famous sell-out to Adolf Hitler in 1938.

Remember death panels?

They don’t mean this shit, and they don’t seem to care a fig if they seem insane. We’re not going to convince the NRA that we need to place limits on gun sales and use. They’d rather aim a gun at you than negotiate. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll start aiming at each other, like Dick Cheney did when he shot his skeet podner a few years back.

Instead of attempting to defeat fascism with arguments, maybe we can change the atmosphere down here at ground level. On the theory that the better we are the better our leaders will become, let’s look at what you and I do, routinely, to establish our own stupidity.   [Read more…]

When Did Lawyer Cory Briggs Stop Beating His Fake Wife?

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By Regnad Kcin

High-profile San Diego lawyer Cory Briggs has engaged in egregious false matrimony, according to a months-long EyeNewSores investigation.

A host of experts assert that Briggs has made questionable and possibly fraudulent deals while claiming the woman he’s shacked up is his wife. The EyeNewSores team will examine these deals in future weeks, publishing exclusive headlines revealing a side to this so-called public interest lawyer that some may find shocking.

EyeNewSores has discovered that Briggs, a key figure in the resignation of former Mayor Bob Filner, may or may not have battered his alleged ‘wife,’ according to sources close to a high profile attorney and elected official famous for his ethics and fair play.   [Read more…]

Dear Santa: Here’s a Dozen Bad Boys and Girls from the Past Year in San Diego

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By Doug Porter

We could have generated at huge list. It’d probably look more like a phone book (remember those?), so the elves decided to limit this list to individuals who’s graced the pages of the San Diego Free Press over the past year.

And then we had to pare it down to a dozen. So many bad boys & girls, so little time…

Several individuals were selected as representatives of organizations that have done bad deeds locally in the past year. Others will need no introduction. They all deserve coal and sticks as our version of the jolly man (he wears a red suit for a reason) makes his rounds.   [Read more…]

Country Club America and the Ghost of Ayn Rand

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By John Lawrence

I was startled into wakefulness by the ghost of Ayn Rand, she the author of the Virtue of Selfishness and sundry other solipsistic tomes.

Unlike Scrooge, she is not the least bit repentent. She told me of her new concept of Country Club America. Not everyone deserves to be a member. It’s sort of a metaphysical walled community in which some people get to join; others are left out. Only the Best, the Brightest and the Most Beautiful can be members.

The rest – the homeless, the hoi polloi, the common people, vagabonds, hippies, the proletariat, rabble and riffraff cannot be members.   [Read more…]

Holiday Noir

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By Bob Dorn

I woke up early Bloody Wednesday. I could hear the alarm on my Sig Sauer Smartshot pleading for attention. It’s automatic loader had failed and the diagnostics were blinking error 1037, error 1037, error 1037…

Of all days, Bloody Wednesday, Christmas Eve, my companion gun’s auto-feed goes manual. I’m going to lose precious seconds loading and reloading manually at the mall.

I’ll have no advantage over the last-minute shoppers who’d put off shopping until the last minute for no good reason.   [Read more…]

Fear of a Brown Planet: Watch This Stand-Up Comedian Explain ‘Reverse Racism’

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Bullying, police brutality, and everyday insensitivities are regularly lampooned with Australians Aamer Rahman and Nazeem Hussain’s weapon of choice: comedy.

By Kali Swenson / Yes!

In their stand-up comedy show, “Fear of a Brown Planet,” Australians Aamer Rahman and Nazeem Hussain challenge racism by making it the subject of humor. The collaborative show features stories about what the comedians and other people of color face on a regular basis.   [Read more…]

Drone APP Converts Leafblowers to Hair Dryers!!!

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By Bob Dorn

I’m from the stone age. I don’t carry a smart phone because I’m not smart enough. I think an app has something to do with Apple, like maybe it’s an abbreviation. It took me a number of years before I found out that Silicon Valley wasn’t a reference to that place between two huge phony boobs, where the pearl necklace settles.

My feeling about technology – just a feeling, now, or an opinion, if you prefer – is that it might be self cancelling, like a chia pet, or, say, network television, where on air people laugh at stuff that isn’t funny (and for a while longer might get paid for it). For all but fanatics, cars are done, too. …   [Read more…]

Can Chris Christie Have It All?

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Does the 51 year old husband, father of four, lawyer and current Governor of New Jersey have what it takes to be President, too?

By Anna Daniels

“Will he or won’t he?” was on every pundit’s mind when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie arrived in Las Vegas to address the Republican Jewish Coalition. Anonymous sources say that the real reason for the visit was to receive the blessing from billionaire Sheldon Adelson for a 2016 presidential run, with the attendant promise of Adelson’s substantial financial backing. Christie coyly avoided directly answering a question about the purported meeting when asked at his Friday March 21 press conference.

Christie has a great deal riding on this visit to Las Vegas. He has clearly distanced himself from his two hour press conference in December 2013 when the Bridgegate Scandal genie could no longer be stuffed back into the bottle. During that press conference he seemed chastened, confused, vulnerable and according to an unnamed staffer, he looked… old. At one point he choked up, seemingly at the point of tears. His approval ratings plummeted, with some left wondering whether his inability to control his emotions led to questions about his leadership capabilities under stress.

The Republican Jewish Conference attendees seemed palpably relieved that the old Christie was back.   [Read more…]

A Whole New Ball Game: The Chargers MUST Draft Sam

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By Tony Krvasse / UT-Norts Spews Columnist

Call me an old jock, if you want, but there’s no room in the NFL for homophobia. I’ve known lots of lineman who played around in the showers. After all, what are bare asses and wet towels for? Snap!

If you get that, then you’ll get this: the Chargers have got to draft Michael Sam.

Just in case you’ve been blacked out for the last few weeks I should let you know now that Michael Sam is the first major college top draft pick who’s declared himself open to man love. AND, he happens to be a great pass rusher, something the Chargers just can’t seem to do more than a few times a season.   [Read more…]

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