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Santa Claus Comes to Friars Road

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“First of all, Mr. Claus, I object to your use of the term “good,” as being vague and ambiguous. “

By Matt Valenti

When traffic in the right lane of Route 163 South slows to a crawl for two miles between the 805 merge and Friars Road, it must be Christmastime in San Diego.

I found myself suffering through this traffic last weekend for my daughters’ obligatory annual photo op with Santa Claus at Fashion Valley Mall.

I expected the traffic, of course, and expected it would take me at least an hour of circling through the parking lot looking for a spot, after dropping my wife and girls off outside of Nordstrom’s.   [Read more…]

Readers Write: An Impassioned Plea for ‘Proposition F’

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By Matt Valenti 

What do school bathrooms have to do with San Diego’s mayoral candidates?

Well, some of the same people who brought us Proposition 8 are at it again, having gathered enough signatures to place an initiative on the 2014 ballot that would repeal California’s transgender students’ rights bill. That law is to take effect in January and will provide transgender students with equal access to school programs and facilities.

But if there’s to be a law meant to prevent people from passing themselves off as something they’re not, perhaps it should be a law to prevent conservative Republicans from passing themselves off as progressives. This is a phenomenon that San Diego has seen a lot of lately.

What we need is a local ballot initiative we could call “Proposition F,” after the two mayoral candidates who are the worst offenders: Nathan Fletcher and Kevin Faulconer.   [Read more…]

Let’s Ban Erections

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A response to Senator Lindsey Graham’s latest abortion proposal

By Judi Curry

I am tired of men – and stupid women – telling me what I can do – or not do – with my body. In the readings I have done I have never come across anything telling me that the legislature – or the Supreme Court for that matter – were appointed GOD (s) and until they can prove to me that they are the Superior Being, it is time that we women exert our own power to ban the very cause of fetuses – namely the ERECTION.

This is what I propose: Every time a man has an erection not for the purpose of conceiving a child, that penis be cut off. (The conception of a child must be agreed to by the female partner.) The removal must be done by a female mid-wife, female nurse practitioner, or the female receptionist at the front desk. If none of these are available, then it is permissible for the woman that caused the erection to remove it any way she sees fit. This does not have to be done in a licensed hospital; in fact, a back-street alley is preferable. I don’t think that a hanger would work to well, so maybe a dull knife that has not been sterilized would be the weapon of choice.   [Read more…]

Why Blackface Isn’t Funny and Other Halloween Tales

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By Doug Porter

A couple of football coaches from San Diego’s Serra High School have been in the news this week after photographs of them wearing blackface as part of their “Jamaican Bobsled Team” halloween costumes surfaced.

San Diego Unified School District officials have acknowledged “inappropriate activities” and are investigating the incident, which seems to have involved a non-school related party.

To nobody’s surprise the UT-San Diego has a letter to the editor today decrying the ‘political correctness’ of the situation.  Reader Jack Cohen opines, “The absolutely priggish administrator who said that we cannot tolerate the slightest insensitivity should be exiled to the next universe.”   [Read more…]

Wordplay – Shardly Worthwhile

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By Bob Dorn

Every few months I stumble onto files tucked away in odd places recording wordplay I’ve recorded in the last few years. I started doing it when a name, or coined word or phrase seemed to define events well but wouldn’t work in the piece at hand, either because it didn’t quite fit the passage (and would have looked shoehorned in later), or because it was too light or mean and petty for the context, or because it was simply distracting.

Yeah, distracting. I don’t know who said this; it was a writer for sure: the first thing to cut from a piece is the best thing in it. Of course, that’s so that the rest doesn’t suffer the contrast. But can you afford to forget the debris?   [Read more…]

It’s MY Plastic Bag, and I Do What It Wants Me To.

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By Bob Dorn

I love my plastic bag.

No one’s going to take it from me; not some foolish enviro nut-hazard with her meds in her pocketbook, or some Japanese squeeky clean wearing a mask in the subway, or a Filner Freak-o who spends his money on Mexican marijuana that probably already has some STD buried between its cracks, or Obama, the Holy, who solved Syria all by himself (ask the cruise missiles who solved Syria!!!).

No one’s taking my plastic bags.   [Read more…]

FICTION: My San Diego Nightmare – a Visit by the Ghost of Scandals Past

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By Sherly U. Jehest

Not accustomed to nightmares – as I am usually a good sleeper – I had a horrible one last night and just have to share it with you – my San Diego nightmare.

I had gone to sleep at my usual time, falling into slumber some time between Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show with John Oliver and its first commercial – a truly deadly time for me. I was dreaming of rolling sheets of ocean waves, so pretty … when I noticed a pale figure emerge out of the surf and begin to walk towards me.

The figure got closer and I noticed it was a tall woman wearing long, thin robes. She approached me and got closer – when all of a sudden she was sitting at the foot of my bed.

“What the …” I started to say, partially sitting up, when she shushed me with a long bony finger to her pale lips, glancing over at my sleeping mate.

“Who are you?” I managed to squeak out.

“I’m the Ghost of Scandals Past,” she said softly. She looked sad.   [Read more…]

Upcoming Scandal Eggo Disruptions

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By Bob Dorn

Jan Goldsmith’s Wig His Secret Sex Lure

The wig of Jan Goldsmith, City Attorney, is seeded with male sex pheromones, according to three of his attorneys who cannot be named.

Each of them says that in separate meetings alone with the city attorney in his office they found Goldsmith irresistible after he began combing the hairpiece or ruffling it with his fingers.

“It is possible to infuse human hair with provocative pheromones,” said UCSD’s Dr. Andrew Lecithini, of the school’s chemistry department, “but it tends also to severely straighten the hair, causing it to lay down and stray, which may counteract the attractive function of the pheromones.”
  [Read more…]

Readers Write: A Sneak Peek at GOP’s 2016 Platform

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By Tom Hunter

I have just received a first draft of the Republican Platform for 2016.

1. All women of child bearing age must report to their doctor weekly for a vaginal probe ultrasound. If the doctor is not on the list the probe must be held by an official of the Republican Party. Every sperm is sacred and condom prices will be increased to $10 per unit.

2. Key portions of the Old Testament must be memorized or you will not be eligible to vote.

3. Guns must be carried about the body fully loaded and ready for action, or on the nightstand in the evening.

4. People determined to be “having too much fun” will be sent away to be rehabilitated.

5. Those wishing to get off the grid by not working for corporate America will not be eligible for unemployment or food stamps. Those found helping these unfortunates will be severely disciplined.   [Read more…]

Bye Bye Bachmann: Reliving 10 of the Tea Party Darling’s Craziest Gaffes

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By Janet Allon / Alternet

Minnesota far-right Republican Rep. Michelle Bachmann has declared she will not run for a fifth term in 2014, and is making the dubious claim that her decision has nothing to do with that ongoing ethics probe into her campaign fund-raising in the 2012 race, or her falling poll numbers. No, she is a newfound convert to term limits.

Right.

This is about as believable as some of the gaffes, misstatements, anti-science positions, conspiracy theories, not to mention wobbly grasp of both American history and world geography, she displayed on her ill-fated quest for the 2012 Republican nomination. She even managed to make Texas Governor Rick Perry look both sane and slightly enlightened.

Let’s relive some of the self-proclaimed Tea Party leaders more colorful, unforgettable gaffes, the first of which may be her assertion that she never made any gaffes.   [Read more…]

The Starting Line – Can You Say Congressman DeMaio? And Other Republican Wet Dreams

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By Doug Porter

I read the Daily Fishwrap(s) so you don’t have to… is the tag line for this daily column. Some days I think it might be more appropriate to say ‘because you wouldn’t want to’.

So hold on to your blood pressure cuffs because today, we’ll be exploring the land of the absurd as portrayed in various news outlets around the country…

Washington’s Roll Call reported yesterday on a GOP polling effort right here in San Diego County’s 52 Congressional District. It’s well known that incumbent Brian Bilbray’s defeat by Democrat Scott Peters was a bitter pill for Republicans to swallow.

And local GOP leaders have made it perfectly clear that they’ll be back in the game, mounting a serious effort to retake that seat in 2014.

The latest Republican polling effort involved testing voter reaction to ‘new generation Republican’ Carl DeMaio.

INSIDE: Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Mark Sanford, GOP Light Bulb Screwing, and the Plague of Student Bombers Who Dance Dirty   [Read more…]

Belly-whopping Off the Deep End

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By Norma Damashek

I know, I know, we’re only human.  We all make mistakes.  Everyone’s been known to lie or cheat or steal (only for a good reason, of course).  At times we’re devious or lazy.  Sometimes greedy.  Vindictive, too. 

Given our shortcomings, I ask  you this: is it fair to demand higher standards from our elected officials than we might impose on regular folk like you and me?  Here’s my answer: it’s more than fair; it’s self-evident common sense to hold out for brain-power and high ethical standards from politically-inspired individuals who climb into the public arena and vie for the prize of holding the public welfare in the palm of their hands.  

You look for professional standards and expertise from a dentist, don’t you? from your trainer at the gym? the butcher at Vons?  Does it make sense to accept anything less from your elected politicians who have the power to shape, improve, or make a mess of your daily lives and surroundings?   [Read more…]

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